Steel Rose

Chapter 85

Ptolemus Pov

A still silence fills the house. A shock from only minutes ago when Isabelle stood there and yelled at me. We've never fought like that before. We're fought before, of course. In Norta and in the Ridge. But not like that. I've never seen her like that. She's always been beautiful to me. Unmatched her aura. But that was an Isabelle I don't recognize. She's probably the most emotional Silver I've ever come across.  Prone to outbursts. Like me or Eve in some ways. But sensitive. Capable of deep feeling. Trusting. Loving.

But not rage. That's me. I save my rage for the battlefield. And her new home in some way has become a new battlefield. I hate that. A stain in her new home that she earned her herself and our son. I've been here a few times, but I feel like a stranger. I think about leaving.

Maybe I would have, if Dasarious didn't fuss every time I tried to put him in his bed. He sleeps now in my arms, content after being changed into a clean diaper. I think my mother would consider him spoiled. I like to think that he's loved. I pull him closer and continue to rock in the rocking chair in his nursery. I've been in this room a few times too, but I feel out of place. Everything feels wrong.

Perhaps I am just unwanted here. Isabelle has built a life for herself here. She has a job and friends. She has her own home. Responsibilities and obligations. A far cry from Norta when they only thing she devoted her time to was her family and me. This new life she has here for herself and Dasarious maybe just has no place for me here.

It's a possibility I've never thought about. I've considered her forgiveness and I've considered her walking away. But never have I thought about being just another person in her life. The father of our child, yes, but just another obligation because of it. I've never considered having to watch as she spends the rest of her life with somebody else.

The man from the restaurant pops into my mind. Kenneth. The thought sets my teeth on edge and makes envy roar in my chest. And to my horror, heat springs to my eyes. She could spend the rest of her life with him, and I would be subject to watch. I've never loved anyone like that before. It cuts wounds deep into my chest.

I want to ask her about it again. I want to know. But I think she's asleep and I'm hesitant to go check. I really don't like arguing with her. And I don't think I could stand having her evade the question for a third time.

I look down at Dasarious. He's fast asleep now. I watch him sleep, rocking back and forth absentmindedly. For all that I've lost, he makes it all worth it. I feel a warm surge of affection spread through my chest anytime I look at him. He's small and fragile. Silver haired and wide eyed and he's mine. And although Isabelle may never forgive me, I'm glad she is his mother. He will be spared my childhood and I will always appreciate her for that.

In the silence, I stare at him a long time. I listen to his little breaths, thankful for each one. "I'm sorry." I whisper to him. My admission means nothing to him but I say it anyway. He can't hear me and even if he could he wouldn't understand me. But it feels it right that I tell him anyway. "I'm sorry that I haven't been here. I missed the first five months of your life and for that I apologize. Your mother and I...we're going through some hard times and you shouldn't have had to witness that. I never want you to see that again. I don't want that to ever happen again. But I'm glad Isabelle is your mother. She'll love you right. In the way you deserve."

Dasarious sighs in his sleep and his tiny hand twitches.

"I didn't get that growing up. My parents loved us in the way that they knew how. In the ways that they could. But Isabelle will be better. I will be better."

I feel that familiar sense of shame creeps up, warming my neck and halting the next words on my tongue. I've told Isabelle plenty of times that I love her. I've done it without hesitation. So why can't I say it now to my own son. My own blood. I open my mouth to say it, and it comes out in a harsh whisper. "I...I love you, Dasarious. I'm your father. And I'll always love you."