Taming the War

Chapter Twelve

B L A I R

Please, don’t disappear like that next time…

Fuck, you still feel so cold…

The same words that came out of the man who held me in his arms as I lost myself into oblivion last night kept repeating inside my head, refusing me the satisfaction of forgetting the same moment I allowed my vulnerability slip through my walls.

Adam was nowhere to be seen when I woke up in my room earlier today, and something about it irked me. I can’t pinpoint the exact reason why, but I knew deep down, I would’ve liked it if I woke up the same way I slept for the second time last night — me, held tightly in his arms.

But perhaps, it would be best I didn’t. It would make things complicated and I’m not ready to face any distractions anytime soon.

Last night was a mistake. I never should’ve let him hold me like that — despite the fact that I loved every second of it. Yes, it helped me sleep through another few hours, but that was all I should be thankful for. Nothing more, nothing less.

And as I contemplate my actions, staring blankly at the window of the moving car with my iPad in hand, I’m full on ignoring Adam today

When I walked out of my room this morning already dressed and ready for the day, we accidentally exited our rooms at the same time, causing us to have an extended period of time looking into each other’s eyes before I made the first move to look away.

He followed me around all the while maintaining his distance, probably already taking the hint that I didn’t want to talk. Don’t get me wrong though, because I most certainly do want to talk to him today, ask him how he slept, what time did he leave my room, and whether it was pity that prompted him to hold me the way he did last night.

I huffed. Of course, he pitied me! What else would be his reason for doing what he did?

Adam didn’t know about my nightmares — I never told him. I also doubted Deborah told him because my aunt was the type of woman who kept most to herself unless the situation calls for it.

Adam only saw me breaking down in front of my parents’ graves, and maybe, he thought that the sight of their tombstones before me was what caused me the unbearable pain that brought me down to my knees.

But that wasn’t the case. Yes, I’m still mourning the loss of my parents despite the amount of years that had already passed, but the one thing that keeps me up at night is the remembrance of the brutality that took them away from me. The scream, the blood, the… everything that occurred that night — it was the only thing that could tear down all my defenses.

Clearing my throat, I keep my thoughts at bay. It was too early to bring myself to tears again and I had a lot to do rather than reminiscing something that keeps breaking my heart over and over again.

Adam hasn’t said a word still during our ride to Innovis Holdings’ building. He kept his distance and I kept my silence knowing it’s what we both needed.

As we entered the elevator, my face suddenly heated up when I remembered the conversation we had here.

We were making good progress — talking to each other like mere acquaintances, like there were no threats of people ending my life for my father’s journal. But somehow, we were back to square one.