elliot's daily thoughts

giving titles is so hard qwq

there is this boy.

and i think he's pretty handsome.

yeah that's the point where we are. i would say i have a half crush on him... and now lemme explain cuz i sometimes say i'm a lesbian.

and this may sound transphobic and i am very very sorry for it but maybe someone does understand and please tell me if i hurt you with my views and why cuz i don't wanna hurt any kind of person.

yeah.

so i say a lesbian cuz i don't wanna use micro lables and there is no (well known) name for "i am interested in afab people". and it looks like i am not seeing trans boys and men as men and boys but i really do. i just... i don't know why, i wouldn't date an amab person. and i hate to say im bisexual cuz that makes cis boys feel like they had a chance but they don't so i simply say "im a lesbian" or i say "im gay" cuz a lot of people understand this as a "i'm a lesbian" but well, im not. probably, if i should use a label what fits the thing the best it would be "omnisexual", but its also "i would date any gender and sex but i have preferences" and i guess i would never date an amab person. well, never say never tho...

yeah. and now i feel bad cuz i have a half crush on this guy.

maybe i should also explain the thing with the "half crush"

so. i wont do a single thing. won't ask him out, wont write him a simple "hey", wont do anything.

but if he did? hm. yeah. i probably would. and he's hella hot.

yeah and there's maybe a little red flag which is in my head "you won't crush on him, he's smoking weed"

and not that it's like i would say "you smoke weed, i won't date u" but it's... well. nothing i prefer or want.

and maybe it doesn't bother be cuz my head is also saying "it doesn't matter i could fix it." but i know i probably can't so-

yeah and the other "issue" (still won't date him tho) is that he's gay. that's not really a fully issue but i live as a lesbian and am seen as a girl, sooo. and also because i have this views me being a lesbian it could be that he sees it the same with being gay. yk. he's only dating amab people.

yeah. but i would have the age problems for the first time with him. yay. cuz he's turning 16 in september and im turning 15 in february so one and a little less than half years would be pretty fine.

yeah. i just wanted to tell u that cuz i can't explain it to my friends cuz i can't speak about my feelings, just write and my not queer friends who would understand the crush on a dude would see him as a lesbian not as a guy... anygay.

hope you're doing well

-elliot [and yes i say way to often yeah]