Dear Journal

6- The Killing Moon

A/N: Ok so I might be uploading on Thursdays and Saturdays more often, it makes sense to me that I post twice since I make the chapters short

I also wanted to make note that the angst in question is mainly Bradley's struggle with himself, especially in this chapter, you'll get a little feel of the angst

Song- The Killing Moon by Echo & The Bunnymen

Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/track/0cOf4csnt4DeXSkFmBjULw?si=8068d7079edb480f

Youtube: https://youtu.be/QFZwuTOu9og?si=rgGh9rHJj5KgGBAJ

Max makes sure to read every date:

'06/14/1991'

'Dear Journal,

I think I hurt him, like a lot. I didn't mean to, I just... I don't want to feel like this is wrong, and I can't help but think that. He knows this because he feels the same way! It's literally the reason our relationship is a secret. I think he's just upset that I actually said it out loud. We've been ignoring this talk for so long too.

I started the conversation asking him if we'd ever be open about our relationship. He told me not unless I wanted to, but he wanted to tell his parents. I got scared and asked him not to. He wanted to know why but it was hard to tell him all the things my father said. He held my face but I couldn't look him in the face, I was ashamed. Ashamed for confusing him, ashamed about the things my father said, ashamed about me. Of course I had to start crying at that moment and all he did was pull me into his arms. He was nothing but caring and all I did was tell him all the horrible things my father said. ... Once I calmed down he asked me if that's why I didn't want him to tell his parents and I nodded.

He asked me what I thought of us and I told him that us being together was wrong.. He wanted me to explain but I couldn't, I just repeated that it's wrong. He gave me time to breathe before he asked if I wanted to break up. It didn't help because I started to freak out. The last thing I wanted was to break up. I ended up begging him to stay with me, and all he said was that he wasn't going to leave me as long as I wanted this too.

I knew I wanted this- I know I want him and his affection. I told him and all he said was "Then, we'll just have to continue being secret lovers." It was reassuring and I laughed at it. I told him I didn't mind being in such an unacceptable relationship as long as it was with him and he smiled agreeing.

I still feel bad because I know he was hurt. He tried to save face for my sake. I want to do something for him to make up for today. There's only so much I can do without raising suspicion though.'

He continues to read through another year of this secret affair and everything sprinkled in between. He frowns when the writer mentions his way of self-harm and smiles when he writes about his accomplishments.

This page dated '12/21/1992'

'Dear Journal,

I think my sister knows- about me liking my boyfriend. When my birthday passed, my boyfriend gave me something I said I wanted but knew I was never going to get and it made me feel a little giddy. She was the only one that noticed and asked about the gift. I know I can trust her, but it scared me. I did end up telling her that I do like things like cassette tapes and the portable cassette player was a really nice thing to be given. She smiled and said that she'd take me to a music store to buy more tapes for me.

When we went to the music store, we kind of just bonded over music. I decided that a tape would be a good gift for my boyfriend for Christmas, it was small to hide after all. I don't know why, but I asked my sister what kind of tape would be good to give someone. She told me it depends, but love songs are a great choice. I tried to explain that it wasn't for anyone like that after a while of looking. She only said ok and continued to help me. I ended up making a mixtape of our favorite songs. I paid for it and a few more so it wasn't questionable and she bought some for me and herself.

She's always so .. knowing. It makes me want to tell her, but I'm afraid she'll not want to be around me anymore. I told my boyfriend about it and he's on board with telling her. He even offered to be there with me when he does in case she asks questions. I just can't shake off the fear of her rejection. I might really hurt myself if she ends up treating me like I have a disease... It'll be way more than just starving myself.

...Then again, she's the only one who would support me. Fuck it, I'm going to tell her, somehow, with him.'

Luckily the next date is after Christmas, '12/28/1992.'

'Dear Journal,

I went over to my boyfriend to "practice for tournaments" two days ago and we exchanged gifts when we went to "study." He loved the mixtape I made and he gave me a Bauhaus shirt. (God I love Bauhaus) We talked and listened to the mixtape with my head on his shoulder.

I finally brought up that we should tell my sister about us and he was beyond happy. He told me that he was proud of me and that I've grown so much these past 3 years. Hearing him say that reassured me that maybe everything will work out.

I asked about how his parents would view us and he said that they were supportive, and would welcome me (He came out to his parents last year) But he did say that it wouldn't be the best to tell them. His parents are very talkative, they might say something to my father and that would ruin everything. He always has to deny that he's with me when his parents ask. They often ask me questions too, but I always tell them that he's just my best friend and they eventually drop it. They understand that being openly gay is a struggle at least.

Well today was the day that I told my sister. She took me out and I asked if I could invite him. She said yes and it took me a while to tell her. He held my hand the whole time. I still can't believe she said she knew, because she saw us in our library one night when everyone was asleep. Embarrassed, my boyfriend answered any questions she had like how long we've been together and how we knew we loved each other.

Earlier tonight she came and hugged me. I'm glad to have her as my sister.'

A smile tugs at the corner of Max's lips. Knowing that there is one person who fully supports the penboy within his family brings him relief. The boy writes less within the next year, but the entries are only trivial matters. But the smile soon drops along with his heart after reading the date '12/03 04/1993'

'Dear Journal,

I shouldn't have been born. Everything is ruined... How could I have been so fucking stupid. I shouldn't have kissed him in my room. I should've locked the damn door. I didn't know he'd walk in, he never comes to my room! He hurt him and all I did was freeze, I couldn't do anything. I watched him drag him out and throw him out. The whole day he insulted him, told everyone that I was being prayed on, that I lost my senses because I didn't have anyone to help me out of it.

He's making me transfer schools and told me that I'll never see him again. He acted like he cared in front of everyone!!

He... called me tonight to his study to "knock some sense into me" I couldn't do anything and obey, so I went.-'

Max immediately slams the journal closed hearing the door open. His friends look at him with confusion and concern. He only looks at them with a ghastly expression after being too immersed in this bloodcurdling entry.

A/N: If anyone would like to make art based on the way I describe Max and Bradley, please please please do. I suck at art and I just can't bring myself to draw them in a way I like. It's honestly mainly just Max that I have so many details for, Bradley is perfect the way he is. I should be making another video on new lore that would help with Max's design, I'll mention it again in the next chapter 🙏