Southern Ladies Under Tremendous Stress

Episode One: Pilot

"Welcome back to the Southern Ladies Under Tremendous Stress Cooking Show! Today we are cooking a berry pie whilst listening to The Queen Dolly Parton sing Berry Pie on repeat!" Jolene's voice echoes through the kitchen in her extreme southern accent.

The kitchen is painted with a light blue stature, embossed with floral tiles reaching over the counters. In one corner, white plates are stacked in an intentional manner to brighten the room; after all, the light from the window bounces off it perfectly, highlighting the beauty in the cunty women faces while they are on camera.

"Hit it, Sharon!" Jolene calls, as Sharon, resident smoker, presses play on the music. Berry Pie fills the room with hope, tranquility, and love for the southern lifestyle, as the ladies bake.

Jolene purposefully hogs the ingredients, tools, and bowls. Annabelle Bell, her best blonde bimbo friend, and Sharon MacDonald, the sloppy smoker with shaggy hair who would do anything to see a fight go down, are the only others in the room. The cooking show is always filmed at Jolene's house, and Sharon has been noticing the lack of Jolene's husband's appearance.

"Jolene," Sharon begins, her voice as crackly as an old man's tailbone after an extreme jazzercise lesson, "How come we haven't seen much of Geoffrey these past weeks?"

Jolene slowly turns around, wide-eyed as Yohan, the school bully that assaults Annabelle's son Greg. "What D'ya mean?" She says, passive aggressively.

"I mean that he hasn't been walking around the house that much. Where has he been?"

She eyes Sharon suspiciously, "On a work strip-I mean trip."

"Where?"

"... Taekwondo." Jolene begins to whisk again, keeping all the cooking-fun to herself. Annabelle was tapping her foot vexingly.

"Aren't ya gonna let any of us do some cookin'?" Annabelle blurted, she shot Jolene a look of annoyance as Jolene rolled her eyes returning the action.

"Maybe ya could slip it in the oven?" Annabelle gasped dramatically, just like her son did the day she told him he couldn't wear a tiara to Dollywood.

"That's it hunny!" She yanked the bowl, throwing batter all about, leaving Jolene empty handed and completely submerged in the mix. "I'm about to spank your ass all the way to Dollywood," She pauses, lowering her gaze and deepening her voice, "EVIL Dollywood..."

Jolene wipes the batter out of her brown hair, pushing up her apron sleeves, "Oh you're on, hunny."

"Yeehaw! A fight!" Sharon calls as the two southern ladies begin to near each other.

Annabelle throws a punch, sending Jolene flying into the pile of stacked plates.

"Oh you did NOT just break my limited edition Dolly Parton exclusive Dollywood china plates!" Jolene screams, "You little barbie-butted-egg-yolk-smelling-bucket-of-mud-sexually-deranged-horse-poop-lickin'-low-life-loser!"

Annabelle gasps, her sight gaping at the enraged Jolene, someone you NEVER wanted to meet. "No you didn't, you honey biscuit!"

"Get out of my house, you garden hoe!" Jolene screams.

"Oh, trust me, I was planning on it!" Annabelle rips off her apron, sending it flying across the room. "I quit the Southern Ladies Under Tremendous Stress Cooking Show!"

Sharon heaves, not expecting the minor argument to become this serious.

"Well I am GLAD!" Jolene yells after Annabelle as she storms out the door.

"Well you'll never get to ride on MY cunty pink pony Annabelle Junior!"

Jolene pauses, "... What?"

The front door is slammed open, and outside stands a pink pony. Annabelle walks out sassily, singing Pink Pony Club by Chappell Roan as she leaves.