If Only (GxG)

Chapter 5 Everything is Fine

A/N
🎶Why by Dominic Fike🎶

『 °*• ❀ •*°』
Alison's POV

On Monday, I felt a little more rested. After an early morning run on the track and a relatively smooth set of classes, the day was shaping up to be... pleasant. Manageable.

Then came biology.

Now, I sit between Amy and Ross as our teacher hands back the results of a mock test—one meant to prepare us for the real thing.

Amy snatches her paper the moment it lands on her desk. I watch as her eyes skim the sheet, locking onto the grade at the bottom. A moment later, she exhales in relief.

I take my paper gingerly, hands already clammy, and flick straight to the bottom.

65% – Good effort, Alison!

Sixty-five percent.

Sixty-five.

I blink, staring, willing the numbers to change.

I've never gotten below seventy-five in biology. This has to be a mistake. I didn't even struggle that much while taking the test—I wasn't even the last to finish.

My hands sweat against the paper. There's a lump in my throat.

My heart lurches, heavy and urgent, beating faster and faster like it's trying to escape my chest.

I need to do better. I have to do better.

No Edinburgh. No university. No escape. No freedom.

I'll be stuck here forever. Trapped. When I'm forty, I'll still be avoiding my mum, still encroaching on George's life, still suffocating in this town, in this school, in this life—

The thoughts spiral, sharp and relentless, until I can't breathe.

The weight of never being good enough crushes me.

I push my chair back abruptly, the metal legs scraping against the linoleum—a noise that shouldn't be so loud but rings in my ears like a thunderclap.

"I— I need the bathroom," I mutter, barely forming the words as I stumble to my feet.

The teacher doesn't even glance up as I rush past the chipped wooden doorframe.

I know exactly what's happening.

It's like being chased down a dark alley, only I know my attacker.

The attacker is me.

The rational part of my brain, the part that still functions, knows I need to calm down. That I should be able to stop this.

Come on, Alison. You've been so good. It's been so long. Just breathe. Just relax.

But I can't relax.

And knowing that? Knowing that I have no control over my own body, my own mind? That makes it worse.

I force myself to walk—not run, not yet—down the hallway. If I sprint, I'll draw attention. I can't let that happen. I won't let anyone see.