Remedy

Benediction

The kiss was unlike anything I had ever experienced because as old as I was, I had never been kissed before. My teenage years consisted of church, school, extra classes, music, family, barely any friends and more school.

I never had time for boyfriends. Even when Dylan in grade 10 asked me out, I couldn't imagine why he liked me. He didn't even know me and I wasn't interested in anything beyond what I already had. I wanted love but I couldn't let myself have it before I understood what it was. I wanted what my parents had and I was too young to meet anyone who'd grasp what I meant by that.

But as his tongue searched for mine and his hands held my face so carefully, I knew that any kiss before that would have been pointless. My body eased onto his, as if it had found its home. His arms moved down to hold me. My hands, suddenly confident, found his face. He leaned into me, deepening the kiss. Swiftly, he placed my arms around his neck, guiding me.

I didn't know what to do but my body did. As if my anatomy had been meticulously crafted for this very moment. My lips parted and my tongue moved as if it recognised his mouth. As if we had kissed a million times before.

The kiss slowed down, our passion burnt. Our lips moved to a gentle caress. We settled, but didn't want to let go.

I felt him smile against my lips. My lips curled up tightly in response. I could have denied it was me but when the giggle left my mouth, it was undeniably mine. His chuckle, like a gentle rumble, followed a second letter. I felt him laugh as I was embraced tightly. It was the warmest, sweetest and most comfortable place to be. Was it possible to live in someone's embrace? To inhabit it completely?

“Raiah,” he breathed. I couldn't look at him. I felt bare, my feelings all dragged out of their secret place and out for all to see. It was evident as I held onto him, hiding my face. He returned my embrace.

“How do you feel?” he asked. “I'm showing you,” I said, my voice weary. He let go of me and lifted my chin up. I closed my eyes. “Please look at me,” he pleaded. “Your eyes are scary,” I said. “Really?” “Yes.”

“What's scary about them?” “Your eyes are full of emotion and it's… intense.” “I guess they're truly a window to the soul. Do you want to see what emotion they carry right now?” he said. “Probably amusement,” I said, my eyes still shut. “Why would I be amused?” “You kissed me. I kissed you back which was probably… nevermind.”

“Talk to me,” came his gentle instruction. “It's embarrassing,” I said. “I won't laugh,” he said. “You will,” I said. “I really won't.” “And if you do?” I asked. I felt a gentle peck on my lips. “I won't.”

After a sigh I said, “I've never been kissed before. Until now.” My eyes opened, in search for amusement, laughter or mockery. But instead, his eyes held sincerity, gentleness and the depth of an emotion I couldn't identify. “Well, I am honoured to be the first man you kissed. My mother once told me something. She said that a lady's body is a temple. Not just any man gets to worship there. It's sacred. And I honour your temple,” he said. My breath hitched. The words perched on the depths of my heart and pulled strings I couldn't recognise.

“So allow me your benediction,” came his request before his lips captured mine.

This time, the kiss was reassuring, passionate but not rushed. It was a gentle rain much needed in spring time.

“Have you ever dated anyone before?” he asked later. “No.” Mind if I ask why?”  “My parents.” “Strict?” “No. I'm sure they would've wanted me to not date in high school but they never talked to me about it. I just decided for myself that it wasn't the best decision. I realised that relationships required a lot from a person.

“The person I would be dating would have a part of me dedicated to them until all of me was dedicated to them. They'd be an extension of me emotionally and spiritually. It's not an intimacy I want to indulge in as a teenager. I was young.

“Too young to understand what any of this means. I'm still young. Turning 18 doesn't make you an adult. But I'm more willing to enter a relationship now because I have more knowledge than a 16 or 17 year old me.”

“How do you know that relationships require so much of you if you haven't been in one yourself?” he asked. “Because I've seen it. My parents’ love story is one of the greatest in my opinion. They've been through cancer, literal fire and struggle together. And they made it out together when it was easier to make it out alone. I've always wanted that but I know the cost,” I said.

“And you want someone who understands that cost as well as you do. Who's willing to stay with you through it all,” he said. “Exactly. And I can't place a burden like that on a teenage boy.”

“I'm a man. I can take it,” he said, as if he bore all of himself before me. “I don't know what you mean by that,” I replied. “I mean that I would like to take you out on a date.”

By then, we had almost reached my res. I could feel my feet grow weary but I wanted the walk to drag on. “That's… agreeable,” I said. “Agreeable?” he mimicked, making my reply seem so unnatural.

“I'm trying to be modest. I'd love to go out on a date with you,” I said. “Sunday?” “I dedicate my Sundays to church and I found a church here. I've been watching their sermons online and they're pretty good.”

“Is it one of those big churches?” “No. It's a small church. It has a presence on social media but barely any significant reach there. I found it by chance. Or as my father would say, by grace. You should come with me,” I said. “Well…” he hesitated.

I had not even thought about asking him if he was Christian or not. I was too enraptured by my interest in him that I had forgotten the basic qualities of a guy I could be with.

“Are you a Christian?” I asked. My heart seemed to stop for a moment. I had a lifetime of events play out before me. Be with him, hopefully convert him or just accept that he would find his own path to God. Anything really except forfeiting what we had just shared.

He released me from my prison when he said,”I believe in God. But even the devil believes in God. I haven't found myself worthy of the title ‘Christian’ for so long. And I'm trying to find my own path back to Him.” I'd been separated from God before. It was brief but I understood the impact.

“I understand,” I said. And that was all that needed to be said at that moment. “I'll go with you,” “You don't have to,” I said. “It's for me. And I want to spend time with you,” he said.

“So no date?” I asked. “Tuesday?” “Tuesday works for me.”