Cogent

TEN

Noah left the red brick house in the early afternoon, but he didn't get home until after dark. Killing time was easy. A walk along the highway to seek solace in the woods near the river, where most kids smoked pot and drank beer. He sat on their abandoned sweatshirts and slept, the duffel bag under his head like a stiff pillow. It was a safe place while the sun was still up. Yet he was restless, tossing and turning on the ground with his eyes half-closed. Thoughts kept him awake. 

Memories, some real, some made up, others too far in-between to even tell the difference. His mom in the kitchen, sun shining through her hair. His brother and him, running through a sprinkler in the backyard. Muddy footprints like puppy paws on the wood floor. It was all a pulsing, transparent blur. He opened his eyes wider, and shut it all off.

***

The duffel bag plopped onto the closet floor, blackened by the door as it rolled shut. Noah went back outside to the shed and found Kaleb in the corner next to the unlit heater. He got up when the door opened, head bowed, anxious.

"Have you eaten?" was the first thing Noah asked.

Kaleb didn't move.

"I'll get you something," he turned to go.

"Wait,"

The word was like a bullet, swift and loud and completely unexpected.

Noah's back was to his brother. He hesitated. Kaleb hadn't spoken a word in years. Why had he suddenly chosen to break his silence now? What had brought this on? Noah would have asked—but he was scared. Scared of knowing what Kaleb wanted to say.

"I..." Kaleb's voice was shaky and withdrawn. Dry, like smoked timber. It was painful to hear. "I didn't hurt her, Noah."

Slowly, Noah's shoe twisted on the plywood floor, pulling him around with it. His jaw felt loose, as though it had been painlessly dislocated. Or maybe the pain was somewhere else.

"You believe me?" Kaleb asked.

There was a pause before he answered. In spite of all the silences they'd shared, this one felt different. It was weighty, like the full force of gravity was coming down on them inside the shed that night. Somehow, though it was the least likely truth, Kaleb's innocence was easy to believe. More than anything, Noah wanted to believe it. But he wasn't an idiot.

"Tell me the truth." His own voice wavered. "Did you go back?"

Kaleb nodded.

"Why?" the word escaped through gritted teeth.

"...I left something."

Noah stepped closer, suddenly urgent. "Did you see her? Was she alive when you were there?"

"I—I don't—" he stopped to cough, clearing some of the roughness from his voice. "I don't know. I was in the basement." He finally said.

"So, you didn't talk to her?" Noah demanded. "You didn't speak to her at all?"

Something flashed in Kaleb's eyes. Fear? Hurt? Guilt? Noah couldn't tell.

"No."

Noah searched his brother's face. Was he hiding something, or was he just scared of his own mistake? "Are you sure?" Noah pressed.

Kaleb shook his head forcefully, his lips pressed into a thin line.

They stood in silence, quietly assessing each other. There was no way for Kaleb to know if his brother believed him, and no way for Noah to be sure that he was being told the truth. Despite his doubt, something soothing starting to creep along his spine. Something akin to relief. Even though it wasn't for sure, there was at least the possibility that Kaleb hadn't done anything. That Lenny's death wasn't his fault. And the possibility of that was enough to ease some of the weight from Noah's back.