Hello

Accidental Crotch Touching

When something goes bump in the night, I'm always the first to get up. When I first started sharing a bed with Roger, I quickly figured out it was no use waking him if I heard anything. Not that I could usually hear it over his snoring. This time, it wasn't a bump; it wasn't a creaking stair or a bird hitting the window again. Someone was walking around the house, and I could hear every step.

In my matching Doctor Who pyjamas and slippers, I grabbed whatever was closest to me and made my way from the bed to the door, only to realise my weapon was a whip. Black leather smacking device in my hands, I slowly and silently tiptoed towards the kitchen, where the sounds were coming from. Nearly falling down the stairs in the dark, I stopped at the kitchen entrance. The light flicked on with a flurry of screams and yelps ensued.

"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?"

"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?"

In his underwear, Roger had a handful of Frosted Flakes in one hand, and another handful scattered on the ground. My heart was racing as I fell onto the wall behind me, a hand on my chest.

"Jesus. Babe. Is now really the time for cereal?" I asked, catching my breath.

"Lucy, gorgeous, let me teach you something you never learnt in school. It's never not the time for frosted flakes."

Part of me wanted to laugh, another part wanted to cry because of the stress I had just been under.

But then I decided to join him.

And Brian wondered why I looked so tired the next morning.

"Are you sure you're okay?"

"Living with Roger Taylor is a chore with his midnight snacking and baby development research odysseys that go from ten at night til four am, but I've survived so far, I think I'll be okay."

Brian laughed quietly, scratching his mane as he sat on the seat next to me, John Deacon on my other side. Freddie stood in front of us, munching on my food I had packed for myself. Bitch.

"You're starting to show." He commented, biting into yet another celery stick with peanut butter.

"Yeah. My wardrobe will suffer after a few weeks of this. I'll be a balloon by the end of the month, the rate I'm popping out."

"Or maybe it's just all the guacamole you've been making at two am?" Roger called from the room behind us.

"Hey, leave her cravings out of this!" Brian warned, wrapping his arms around me like a bear, suffocating me in his hair. I laughed, just taking it all in. I hadn't had this much sass around me for a long time. Or this much support for my sudden change in eating habits.

"If my Lucy wants guac during the night no one can judge her. Protect the little people, Roger." John added, standing up to join Fred for a mighty feast.

"I'm not little! I'm like five foot three and NO!" I screamed as I saw a hand lift out my Oreo container. I lunged at John, ultimately falling flat on my face, dragging my outstretched hand down a very inappropriate place on John Deacon's body.

No one knew wether or not to lift me up or what to expect. I heard a thud of equipment dropping as I pulled my knees up and pushed myself off the ground. It sounds hard to believe but for one moment, I completely forgot I was pregnant. I couldn't understand why there was a circle around me, silent, non-breathing and staring at me with fear, except for Roger. He promptly yelled "walk it off, Lucy!" from the other room.

Brian was actually hyperventilating.

"I only hit my face. Nothing hurts I'm okay. Stop looking at me like I've really fucked up my face. Ohmygod, have I?"

"LUCY YOU ARE PREGNANT DO YOU NEED AN AMBULANCE?"

Now imagine a lightbulb flicking on inside the empty skull where my brain should have been.

"Guac, as Roger calls him or her, didn't feel a thing. There's so much amniotic fluid and cushioning in there that Guac has no idea what just happened. You need to breathe." I laughed, watching Brian turn to mush and calm down.

Roger finally arrived, helping me hoist myself up and wrapping his arms around me.

"You see, Brian, the amniotic fluid surrounding Guac is shock absorbent. So, when Lucy felt it, Guac didn't." Roger felt damn proud of himself, his one chance to outsmart Brian.

Freddie and John cracked the first laughs, sounding like schoolgirls.

"Brian, how does it feel to be outsmarted in such a way?" Fred laughed, walking past is and into the recording studio.

I walked up to him and pinched his cheek.

"Don't worry, dad, you're still my number one." I laughed, kissing his cheek before walking out.

I could hear them both sticking their tongues out at each other and making sassing sounds down the hallway.