A Ghost of Snow

41. Sorry and Thank You

Wei Wuxian woke up late that night to rain and a thunderstorm, he didn't move, only his eyes scanned the room. As he had expected, his husband lay by his side, his hands placed neatly on his chest, "He doesn't look much different from me, people might think he is the sick one.", Wei Wuxian thought to himself, his face adorned a solemn smile as he looked out the window, he watched the raindrops tumble down, the thunder rumbling reminded him of the stunt he had pulled before passing out, he had believed for sure that he wasn't going to wake up anymore and yet here he was again. A lone tear fell from his eye down to his pillow, "Why?", he mumbled, "Why can't I just rest?", not long after, he fell into a slumber again.

Unbeknownst to him, the man beside him had heard his mumbling very clearly. Lan Wangji had always been aloof, seemingly unaffected by worldly desires but there was one thing he cherished more than his life, that was his husband, his love, his everything, his Wei Ying. It hurt him to know that Wei Ying did not really want to wake up. Since the day when Wei Ying set foot in Cloud Recesses, Lan Wangji had tried his best to make him see that he was cared for, that he was loved, that he was needed, was it all in vain, he wondered. The almighty Hanguang-Jun had even resorted to almost begging Wei Ying to stay by his side even if as a friend, the only thing he had wanted was for Wei Ying to be alive. And yet it was almost as if his pleas had fallen over deaf ears, as if all his efforts had been in front of a blind man, no matter what he did or how he did it, it just wouldn't be noticed. His heart broke at the cruel revelation that being by his side wasn't really enough for Wei Ying to want to live. He wondered how long it would take to convince his husband that he was in fact important, would he ever be able to tell Wei Ying that without him, his Lan Zhan would be nothing more than a corpse? What else could he do to make his husband want to live?

When morning rolled in, Lan Wangji prepared a bath and ordered a bowl of soup to be brought to the Jingshi. He gently nudged his husband to wake up, Wei Wuxian's eyes fluttered, struggling to get used to the brightness of the day, "Lan Zhan", he whispered with a wide smile plastered on his face, he pulled his husband down and wrapped his arms around his neck, "Mn. I am here.", Lan Zhan said softly hugging him back.

"You are. You always are.", Wei Wuxian whispered again. When Lan Wangji tried to move back, he hugged him even more tightly, "Lan Zhan."

"Mn."

"Lan Zhan."

"Mn."

Every time Wei Wuxian called his name, he received the same reply, "Don't always just say mn to everything, add more words, will you? Aren't you afraid, there won't be a chance to say all that in the future?"

From the very beginning Wei Wuxian had always casually spouted nonsense, it had never really bottered the Second Young Master, this time however, his words made Lan Wangji sad, he remembered how Wei Ying had been desolate about the fact that he was still alive, more than sad it made him angry that Wei Ying always tended to disregard his feelings when he said such things.

He tried to free himself from the embrace of his husband, "Wei Ying!", he said sternly, "Mn.", it was now his turn to be stunned, was Wei Ying trying to mock him?

He was about to forcefully remove himself from his husband's arms but stopped when Wei Wuxian spoke again, "Lan Zhan, I am sorry. I know I did something stupid. I was angry and sad and I didn't want anymore people to die because of me. It's not that I don't care about you. Trust me, I do but I don't want to be a burden on you, on your sect, on anyone."

"You are not a burden. You are family. The family protects every member. In a family, no one is a burden."

"But I am so tired. Lan Zhan, I am always tired. I want to stay by your side, I want to see my Little Radish, Jingyi and Jin Ling grow up, I want to see Little Snow and Zewu-Jun get married, I want to see Jaing Cheng find love, I even want to see Old Master go bald and wrinkly from old age. I want to tell you that you are the most handsome man, when your hair is white and you can't stand straight up.", Wei Wuxian sobbed in his husband's arms, "But Lan Zhan, I am in pain, it hurts so much, it hurts everywhere. Please don't be angry at me, please don't think you aren't enough to make me want to live because you are, you are the reason I am still here. Lan Zhan, I am sorry. I just want the pain to go away, I just want to rest but I don't want to make you sad. I promise I won't make you worried anymore. Just stay with me, Ok?"