Not My Body [} Iwaoi {]

[} 12 {]

I woke up, panting. My sheets were wet due to the sweat. 

"This dream felt so... Real..."

All the details came back to my mind. 
I said my name, in my own dream. That was weird. And who was that little girl ? 
I thought a certain time. 

Did the baby was... Me ? 

That last thought frightened me. I remembered what I found about my mother. 
My girl form looked really alike my mom. 
So... Perhaps that dream was not a simple dream. 
I bounced off bed and walked down. Noticing my dad wasn't there, I conclued that I could achieve my idea. 
In front of the room, I inclined the handledoor and entered. 

It stills really dark. 

I grabbed my phone and used the light. 
I rummaged in the famous 'important' box, searching for something new. 
In it, I found a CV, then a ring. I kept the two new items and remained my exploration. 
An object alarmed me. It was a diary, the exact same which was in the 'dream'. 
I grabbed him in hurry and decided to leave my ancient mother's room. 
Arrived at my desk, I fastly let down the notebook. I turned the front page.
I started to read it. 

~~

1991, 25th July

I'm pregnant ! Since 3 months now. I thought at first I was becoming fat, guess I was wrong.
Ryoku and I are really happy and impatient !
We just argue sometimes about the baby's name, haha.
The doctor said the baby was a girl !

~~

"Wha-... I HAVE A SISTER !? OH MY GOD SHE MUST BE THE LITTLE GIRL IN MY DREAM !!" I exclaimed. 
"But... If it's that... She's surely dead." I affirmed in a cold way. 

My eyes then led themselves toward the next day. 

~~

1992, 12th January

It's for soon and I'm a bit tired. She keeps giving punches in my stomach. I'm pretty sure she won't have problems with boys if she can defend herself like this !
Oh, and we finally choose a name for our little baby : Temari. 

~~

"Temari... It's an amazing name, though." I declared to myself. 

~~

1992, 5th February 

Temari's out ! I gave birth yesterday. I was so exhausted, I slept all the day. 
My tiny girl is so beautiful. She's a perfect mix of her father and mother. I saw Ryoku crying of joy, I can't believe it ! 
I have only one haste : Living with my baby and hug her with all my strenght.

~~

"Wait... My father was not supposed to be an asshole ?" I wondered. 

~~

1992, 30th November

She said her first words at only 9 months ! She's so smart !
Temari said exactly "momo" and "dada" which obviously mean mom and dad !!
I'm so proud of her, I cried a lot. 

~~

"Oh that's so cute..." 

It depressed me a little. I had never known my mother. I didn't know if she was also used to act like this with me or not. 
I shook my skull and continued my reading. 

~~

1992, 25th December

My baby is a genius. She has offered us the best gift ever for christmas. We were eating around the table whereas she was playing on the floor. When I turned my head to check if she was okay, she was starting to walk on her very tiny legs ! 
It was so wonderful !
I cried again, even louder than a few weeks ago.
Please I love her so much. 

1993, 4th February

The time go fast, 1 year already ! 
I think I'm too sensitive, I sob everytime something great happen to my Temari. 
She's so inteligent. 
Why ? What a stupid question !
She literally thanked us when we gave a present to her ! Which was a blue Teddy bear. I think she likes it a lot. 

~~

"Wait..." 

I got up to find my bed. I moved away my blanket and took the plush. 

"Is it... Is it the same ?" I questionned. 

I brushed my thought out of my brain and looked at the next pages. 

~~

1993, 9th August

I usually write in this diary to talk about Temari, but I need to exprim myself a little. 
Ryoku is weird currently. Well, he's scary. I don't reconize the man I married.
He doesn't seem as happy as a few months ago and he's becoming gross. Plus, he doesn't care of our girl anymore. He keeps leaving the house at really late hours too. When he returns home, he's drunk. He also started to be violent, I hope all that bullshits will stop soon. 

~~

"So... He changed like this ? Without any reasons ? 
 Yeah, so he's just an asshole.
 Sorry to tell you, but he won't change..." 

~~

1994, 4th February 

Temari's 2 years old now ! 
Ryoku's not here and I'm glad. He's fucking crazy. He beats and rapes me, and even worst, he dares hurting my daughter sometimes. That motherfucker, I hate him. I wanna divorce but it's more complicated than I thought. Plus, we need HIS sign too. 
I'm sure he's also cheating on me. Like, everyday, and with different women or... men I think. 
I have one wish. I want to be far away from him, with Temari of course.

~~

I almost choked. 

"MEN TOO ? THIS HOMOPHIC ASS ?" I yelled out. 

I observed attentivily the new two pages in front me. It looks like there had water on it. Precisely, it looks like someone had cried on the paper. 

~~

1994, 19th February

Fuck, fuck, fuck, shit, shit,shit...
I'm pregant again...
It's been 5 months, I can't abort. My dear husband mustn't know. 
If he knows, I'm gonna die, I swear. But I can hide it easily, he's never at home. Or when he is, he's drunk or high, so he doesn't pay attention to anything. 

~~

"It must be me..." I pointed out. 

Due to the circumstances, it was normal of being affraid or what. But I was a little sad that my mom didn't want me. 

~~

1994, 20th July

I think it's the day. 
I don't know the baby's sex and honestly, I don't care. 
Why ? Just WHY ?
I'm losing bones, oh god. 
I need to go to an hospital, but I feel he's already heading out. 
He doesn't want too to drive me in an hospital. And he discoverd I'm pregnant, I'm gonna die. It's a nightmare. 
Holy shit, I can't believe I gave birth in my house. On Ryoku's bed. It's a boy, though. I don't know what to do. 
Saddly, I think my daughter is dead. The devil had hit her violently and I let her like a coward to give birth to a baby, who's gonna live an horrible life too. 
I'm hearing his step.
At least, my new baby is so 

~~

"SO... WHAT !? I'M SO WHAT !!??" I shouted. 

I turned the leaf but that half phrase was the last of that diary.