And Scene [H.S]

scene eight

AVIE STYLES

Scout remained back in his trusty spot by the window at nearly every second of every day. I felt like I had done anything I could to try and pull him away but my efforts went unnoticed. He seemed to have grown pretty accustomed to waiting by the window. He had even brought over a few of his toys today to sit and play with whilst he waited and I hated the fact that this was his new normal. He was more than happy to sit and wait for hours on end by the window and that killed me.

I wanted to see him running around. I wanted to see him playing in the garden and kicking a ball around. I wanted to see him causing chaos in his wake, but every time I tried to pull him away, he always managed to end back up in his little spot, his hands against the window whilst he waited so desperately for his dad to come home. It usually got to a point in the evening where Scout would just pass out with his cheek squished against the window. Harry breaking his promise about being home on time yet again.

I understood he was busy, he was shooting a movie and I knew that was no mean feet. It took a whole lot of energy to do such a thing, as well as endless time and retakes, it wasn't an easy process. I knew from experience. Yet Harry would continually promise Scout over the phone that he would be home before bed time and most nights we were left disappointed. Some evenings I even joined Scout at the window, sometimes I'd sit with him and wrap him up in a blanket in my arms and we'd both sit and wait for Harry to come home.

Most nights he came creeping in not long before midnight, he'd give his infinite apologies over how he didn't expect it to be so late and how they had to do a night shoot, he'd tell me that he got caught up chatting with the guys or that the London traffic had held him back. Every night there was a different excuse. But I got it, I knew filming took a toll and I knew it took a lot, I was aware of that, but it didn't make it any easier for me. It still felt like a knife to the heart every time.

Life felt as though it had completely been thrown off its axis, I didn't even know which way was up anymore. I always used to think that I had such a hold on life, I thought I knew what I was doing and I always felt like I had total control. I thought I was bossing this whole motherhood thing, though it appears I was wrong. I didn't have a clue of what I was doing anymore, I was simply making it up as I went along. Each day was a whole new challenge with Scout and I was just trying to keep my head above the water. It was like a constant fight to survive and I wasn't sure how much longer I could keep on like this.

I was begging for a break, I was desperate for a little change in routine just to shake up our lives a bit. It felt as though the days were just on repeat by now, waking up was getting harder and harder every day. I wasn't sure I had ever felt so down and tired with life than I did right now.

It had gotten to the point where both Penny and Effie had noticed something was up, both of them had been phoning me or visiting me nearly every day now, they said it was just because they wanted to talk to me, but I knew they felt as though they had to check in on me and I cringed at the thought of them worrying over me. I didn't want to become a burden, that was the last thing I wanted and yet every time they went out of their way to check up on me, it felt as though I was being an inconvenience to their lives.

I had to admit that it wasn't the biggest surprise to see both Effie and Penny on my door step after I had been avoiding their incessant calls and texts throughout the day. I kept trying to tell them that I was fine and that they didn't need to phone me five times to a day to ask me, though they clearly couldn't take that for an answer.