I Think I Like Him

28. The Return Of Warmth

Word count: 2056

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In February, Sirius black broke into the Gryffindor dormitory. Ron had understandably been terrified, and Harry hadn't boded with it well either. He slept with his wand now, though that was a decision that could only be considered smart, with his track record of danger always finding him. However, the days eventually warmed, as May springtime chased away the cold; and Harry found himself feeling happier. He had gotten his broom back (which he used to win the Ravenclaw match) and apologised to Ron and Hermione. Meanwhile, things between him and Draco had been building in an intensity that scared him in some ways, and made him smile in others.

"Hello Harry! I'm glad you took me up on my offer" Professor Lupin said kindly, stepping back from his office door to guide him in. "I really do think this will be helpful to you"

Harry had thought so too, when Lupin had asked if he would like to be taught a spell to protect him from the Dementors. He still got nightmares sometimes, and with the Ravenclaw match coming up in just two weeks he wanted to be prepared this time, even if Dumbledore had sworn to him that it wouldn't happen again.

"Now I want you to be sure" The man said, watching him seriously. "This is very advanced magic -dangerous, very dangerous."

"I'm sure" Harry said immediately. It was childish, and perhaps the lesser side of being a Gryffindor that made him hate fear. Made him so incredibly fearful of fear because fear makes him helpless. Weak. It was like he was back in his cupboard- looking into the darkness and thinking he could see monsters. He always got in trouble for screaming when he was younger, so eventually he leaned to be quiet. Instead of running, or fighting whenever he felt he was in danger, he would freeze; feet welded to the ground. When Harry was scared he was diminished down to nothing but prey- only worse. Any and all survival instincts would leave him.

While not much of an issue when he was younger- in first and second year it certainly was. He had managed to push past it then; ignored the fear. Focused on the task. The action. But how could he do that when he was literally looking fear in the face? His mothers scream in his ears- his feet pressing into the ground, his whole body growing heavier and heavier until it was all just dead weight. Falling, falling, falling. And dark.

"The Patronus Charm," he began, "Is a.. a kind of positive force that protects you from Dementors" he leaned back on the leather trunk placed in the middle of the room.

"The way it works, is that the Dementor feeds off of that, rather than the witch or wizard. If done right, however, the charm then goes on to repel them. It draws them in with its sweetness, only to then suffocate the Dementor in it. Think of it like.. drowning in honey. To create one, you need to think of a memory. An extremely happy one, Harry, one that you can draw power from. Can you do that?"

Harry nodded his head vigorously, despite being not quite as confident as he was making out to be. He had lots of happy memories, but were they enough? He wasn't sure.

"Close your eyes" And Harry did, listening intently to the professor's instructions. "Focus. Go through your memories."

He flicked past the early ones easily- there were good days, sometimes, but any day in that house was shrouded in a great storm cloud, in his mind. Maybe it wasn't so bad then, but now? Now that he knew what true happiness was? He had never felt it then.

When he met Hagrid, Ron, Hermione. His first time in Diagon Ally, the Hogwarts Express, the castle- all stood out in his mind. Non were quite right, however. They were flooded with the uneasiness of being in a new place. Of everyone knowing who he was all of a sudden, after spending his life being tucked away in forgotten corners of the Dursley house. It had taken him a few days to settle in, and truly feel the magic of the wizarding world. To let it all in. No, he needed a more immediate happiness.