The Tearsmith

Black Swan

Even the heart has a shadow

That follows it wherever it goes.

I was sweating. My temples were throbbing. The room was small, stuffy, suffocating...And it was dark. It was always dark.

I couldn't move my arms. I was scratching at the air, but no one could hear me. My skin was burning, I tried to stretch my hand out, but I couldn't do it. The door closed and the darkness swallowed me up...

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I woke with a jolt.

I was still surrounded by the darkness of my nightmares and it took me an interminable amount of time to fumble for the light switch. I was still gripping the bedcovers.

Light flooded the room, revealing the corners of my new home. My heart was still pounding in my throat.

My bad dreams had come back. Well, in truth they'd never gone away. A new bed wasn't enough to drive them away.

I weakly touched my wrists. The Band-Aids were still on my fingers, their colours comforting me, reminding me I was free.

I could see them, when it wasn't dark. It wasn't dark, I was safe...

I took deep breaths, trying to calm myself down. But that sensation was still crawling over my skin. It was whispering at me to close my eyes, it was crouched in the dark, lying in wait for me.

Would I ever truly be free?

I pushed back the covers and got out of bed. I rubbed my face with my hand and headed towards the bathroom.

The light made the white, clean tiles shine. The mirror was bright and the towels were as soft as clouds, helping me to remember that I was far away from those nightmares. It was all different. This was another life...

I turned on the faucet and doused my wrists with cold water, slowly recovering my inner calm. I stayed there for a very long time, trying to get my thoughts in order, until the light came back to illuminate even the darkest corners of my mind.

It would all be fine. I was no longer living in my memories. I didn't have to be scared any more...I was far away, safe. I was free. And I had a chance at happiness...

When I left the bathroom, I realised that morning had already broken.

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We had biology first thing that morning, so I made sure I wasn't late. The biology teacher, Mr Kryll, wasn't well known for his patience.

The sidewalk in front of the school was teeming with students. I was very surprised when I heard a voice in the crowd shout, 'Nica!'

Billie was in front of the gates, her curls swinging as she waved excitedly. She was smiling radiantly and I found myself staring at her, lost for words, unused to so much attention.

'Hi,' I greeted her shyly, trying not to show how happy I was that she had spotted me in a crowd of so many people.

'So, how's your first week at school going? Feeling suicidal yet? Kryll drives you crazy, right?'

I scratched my cheek. In truth, I'd been fascinated by his classification of invertebrates, but the other students spoke about him as if he'd instigated some sort of reign of terror in his classroom.

'Actually,' I started tentatively, 'I didn't think he was too bad...'

She burst out laughing as if I'd just told a joke.