dedicated to d.

the confession

I have said that I thought this would be a simple a non-heartbreaking secret admiration kind of thing. Even after our mini texting out of favors.

Even if I was missing you hard, I could never text you first for personal inquiries since we were never friends in the first place. We are basically colleagues if I must say.

I could not even say congratulations on your Seminar Proposal since you never post it on your Instagram. I knew that from our friend whom I'm friends with on my second account. I was devastated, truly. Since I couldn't just say congratulations when you never announced it, especially since we're not close.

After about a month with this one-sided love without any more progress, I thought about moving on from you. I thought I am not made for being in love since it always fails everytime.

I tried to forget you and it was pretty easy thanks to hectic campus life and the never existing intimate relationship between us. I did still think of you from time to time but it was never as intense as before, until..

You dropped a cover,
of my favorite song.

And why does it have to be 'Still Into You'..

With that cover, I have realized that I was forcing myself to forget about you when I still have undeniable feelings for you. I just did what I did to protect myself from getting hurt again.

That cover somehow feels warm in my heart. It was like you were hypothetically hugging me and won't let me to forget about you.

I took it as a sign and decided to continue liking you. I started subscribing your YouTube account with all of my possible existing accounts and boosted the views for 'Still Into You'. That's how much love that cover.

And yep, I continued to like you again in silence. I always wait for your updates in stories, and also waiting for you to view my stories.

I made our friend to ask you things I couldn't ask by myself. I made him through a lot, frankly, haha.

And then, I became closer to another friend of ours who made everything a little bit easier. It made by crushing progress went quickly. She teased you about your secret admirer aka me and always kept me updated about your replies. I got to know you a little bit better.

I didn't feel good leaving you in question marks so that was why I decided to send a confession email anonymously using yep, email account for my fiction writing purposes. Both you and I know the content of the email so I don't need to describe it here.

Honestly, I was expecting a straight up rejection from you. Like, "Thank you, but I am not ready for a relationship," or "Thank you, but I have someone I like."

But, you...

You thanked me and even said not to call myself a coward. You also asked me a question which made me reply to your message. Well, you got a lot of fun facts of me from there but I still don't know much about you.

And eventually, you guessed me right. On the first guess. It was crazy. My heart dropped out of embarrassment and excitement at the same time but you said that it's normal and you didn't mind.

I was so excited to continue our chats now that the truth is all out. I started messaging you on WhatsApp privately after throwing my worries out. I tried keeping in the topics so that I can talk to you much longer but it seems that I just wasn't talented at this.

Either way, I personally called this a 'talking stage' because of how positive everything has turned out. I mean, we didn't talk anymore for a couple days until you followed my second account, which has become a problem for me.

Don't get me wrong, I was happy when you followed mu second account first. I felt like you were making a move. After some thoughts, I accepted and followed you back.

Did you know that I post literal unimportant and unaesthetic dumps on my account? After we became mutuals, I held that urge so much and it was pretty hard since I want to be looked as calm and feminine by someone I like.

My friends are tired of me talking about you all the time.

I have always thought the reason why were you following my dump account. Sure, you must want to get to know me but why? I mean, do you want to get to know me as friends or as future lovers?

I have to say that those thoughts were always in my head 24/7 and it's driving me crazy. But I still like the mini interactions we had there. Liking stories and posts, replying stories... and even when you caught me 'stalking' your page.

You asked why, right?

And I replied because I like you.
That was the actual answer. It was not the covers, it was you. I missed you crazily and couldn't find the courage to message you first so I just scrolled through our previous chats and even scrolling onto your page.

I missed you there. Very.

I spent days and weeks thinking about you but it seems that you didn't care. It's either you're too busy or you just don't feel the same feelings as mine.

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