dedicated to d.

giving up and moving on

As I have said before, I don't know how do you feel about me and I could never ask that.

It has been tiring for me to question everything about you. I wanted to talk with you but you were too busy or just didn't care. I wanted to know how do you feel about me and I want you to like me back.

I remembered that you said that you were not ready for a relationship and that hit me. I have been wanting too much. I was too invested in our semi-non-existent relationship. I was too clingy.

Later that day, a counterfactual thinking just hit me. If there was a guy who likes me and confessed (not asking for dating) to me, I'll probably act just like what you did to me. Thanked him and also try to get closer with him but as friends. And I feel that this is the part where it's wrong.

No offense, but you and I were never friends in the first place. We're colleagues. Then there's me having a crush on you and even confessed my feelings. I don't want us to be friends. I want more than that, but of course I can't say that.

And that is why I decided to stop all this and give up. I am trying to move on the same night I thought about that which is exactly now, the exact moment as I'm writing this chapter.

It was hard to remove and unfollow your account on my second account. I even restricted you from my first account. This is difficult especially with things I have got for you from Japan.. I couldn't dare to touch it.

I still love you so much and it hurts that I need to force myself to move on for my own good. It is so that I don't overthink and put myself in daily pressure.

Even with this, I'm still waiting for your message asking why I removed you or maybe you'll try to follow me again. I don't know. I just want you to like me back..

I love you.

I love you.

I love you so much, D.

Thank you for everything.

It turns out that I really am a coward, D.

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