Leave the Space

Chapter 8

I closed the door behind me and stood in the entrance for minutes fighting the knot in my stomach and the feeling of knowing I enjoyed the last few hours. The two emotions fighting for dominance until the knot tightened and I felt it take over my whole body. I leaned back squeezing my eyes shut trying to fight the tears. It was supposed to be steady, always, but today I went from the high to low in moments. The rollercoaster I had been fighting all year and the only way to stay neutral was balance. Controlling the highs and lows and keeping my emotions subdued.

The last few days caught me off guard as I let my walls down. Getting to know Charles was unexpected and the flutters that came with it now officially terrified me. This was never supposed to happen. A lone tear fell down my face as I took a deep breath.

"Palmer." The voice came quietly and I didn't think it was real. "Palmer, please tell me you're okay," the voice came louder this time clearly to disrupt me, blinking so the tears would clear my vision.

Alice was standing in her bedroom door, a worried expression all over her face. "Did something happen. Something that shouldn't have happened."

I shook my head easing a layer of her worry. I hated the feeling of being vulnerable so I leaned harder into the door. "Oh thank god," she breathed out.

"I'm okay," I whispered not even convincing myself with those two little words and Alice seeing right through it.

"My Palmer, what is wrong."

"I don't know," I whispered back.

She hummed taking a challenging step forward. "You can tell me," she pleaded.

I tried to sniffle in my tears. "I can't do this," I looked at her sadly. "I don't know how to move on."

Alice's eyebrows pulled together in confusion for a moment, her eyes searching mine. "What are you running from dear friend," she whispered knowingly. I simply looked down to the floor defeated and unable to hold the eye contact.

"You're shivering," Alice said in the still moment. "And you're soaking wet. Go take a warm shower and sleep in my room tonight.

I nodded finally pulling myself off the door. "You going to be okay?"

I didn't feel like answering the question. The answer would not have been a fan favorite. "Thank you," I said simply.

"Put on some comfy pajamas and come to my room. I'm not kidding. If I don't see you in twenty, I'll come in here and cuddle you to sleep," she said lightly and giving me a sad grin.

The water was the first relief I had felt since getting back to the room. The shower let my brain go blank getting lost in the routine. Once out, I pulled on sweatpants and a Tshirt and sauntered to Alice's room.

She put her book down and pulled back the covers on the other side of the bed. I laid flat interlacing my fingers on my stomach and stared straight at the ceiling. It was comforting having someone close though.

"Where were you," she asked curiously.

"With Charles," I sighed making sure my emotions were flat and in check.

"Did it go bad?"

I chuckled sadly to the comment. "Worse. It went so well."

Alice leaned up on her shoulder. "Interesting," she said slowly. "Do you like him?"

"I can't answer that question," I said back far too quickly shutting down anytime to think or let the real answer be verbalized.

"Fair," Alice replied. "Does he like you."

I sighed. "I think so. Or I'm just dumb."

"I'm never wrong about my instincts and the answer is yes. What did you two do?"

"He invited me to the spa with him."

Alice shifted again but I stayed focused on the ceiling. I nestled further into the pillow.

"The spa," Alice hummed. "Sounds nice. Did anything interesting happen," her voice rose in curiosity.

"No," I shut down immediately. The image of Charles moving towards me making me feel anxious again, I couldn't bring it up.

The tension must have been felt because Alice thankfully moved on from the topic of anything happening.

"So what's wrong," she asked directly. I peered over at Alice only for a moment. Her full attention on me. "You can talk to me, I'm here for you."

I sighed to the comment. Alice was not the person I ever imagined having this conversation with first but she was my savior of the night.

"What if I'm not ready to talk about it," I whispered looking away.

"Then know I'm here whenever you're ready," Alice said simply.

My breathing stopped for a moment while I held the air contemplating to rip the cord and release everything. I couldn't do it though, not yet. "Maybe soon, but I still can't even put into words what happened."

"Like something that's happened here in France," Alice asked curiously.

I turned in the bed facing the wall I was closest to closing my eyes. "No, something back home. I should have never been in France, but I couldn't stand to be home anymore."

I felt Alice's hand on my shoulder. "Well I'm glad to have you here. It wouldn't be the same," she replied. "And I'm always here for you whenever you're ready."

A tear slipped down my cheek again. I could feel it slide as I closed my eyes shut. "Thank you," I said back genuinely before trying to shut my brain down in the darkness.