I don't know who I am past this facade.. some say I'm their yellow and others would say I'm their blue.. but who am I truly?
Who am I? Why type of person am I? I couldn't answer that question if you'd ask me.. I'd say "well I'm just me.." and leave it at that.
Truthfully most days I don't recognise myself.. on some days I'm this confident outgoing person who wants to talk to everyone.. on other days I'm this shy introverted homebody who doesn't like human interaction much..
Facades have been a huge part of my life.. trying to fit in with others.. trying to go unnoticed to blend in.. dare I say to belong.. so I force myself to play pretend.
On some days I'm your nonchalant friend, the one who's indifferent to the things going on around them.. with no care in the world.
On other days I'm your outgoing ray of sunshine someone who can talk your ear off and never stop. Someone who cares so deeply she feels it in her soul. Someone who cares too much about things that she shouldn't care about..
And on days like this.. I'm my biggest hater. I'm the whisper in my head.. the plague that haunts my memories.. this whisper of doubt.. the one person who puts myself down before others can.. I'm her. I'm the plague that haunts my mind and soul.
Truthfully I've always hidden her away.. behind my facades.. I've interacted with those around me how I'd want someone to care for me.. looking back.. I've cared more than I should have.. I've proven myself over and over again but I can't change that because I'm me.
I can't interact with others around me without that doubt. That I can't trust them because I've seen how this world is.. I've seen situations and I've seen how they ended.. so to protect myself I make a persona.
Someone who's always okay. Someone who's not filled with doubt and trust issues. Someone who you can rely on because deep inside my mind I can't be that someone for myself..
I know I have to because I only have myself in this world.. I need to work with her and soothe her.. I need to soothe her worries like I would someone else. Truthfully I can't look for myself in other people because I don't exist.. without me I'm incomplete.
I have my flaws and I have my weaknesses but deep down I'm scared.. that's what I've always been this scared child who holds onto what she knows because letting go is scary.. the unknown is scary..
One day I need to let the past go because she too needs to rest.. I can't cling onto her and I need to allow new beginnings but this fear and this plague prevents me from doing that..
I'm much happier when she isn't around... and I need to work with her instead of against her..
Because the biggest enemy in life is yourself. It's always been yourself.
So work with her instead of against her and life will feel so much better. You'll breathe freely and feel lighter. Don't let the past and the negatives hold you down.. set them free put them to bed.
Work with yourself instead of against yourself. Always.
It's okay to not know who you are, take your time and discover yourself.
Fall in love with yourself before you fall in love with others..
You got this my dear, truly.
