As the days turn into weeks I eagerly await your return. I await your return not knowing if you'd be the same person as you were before you left. I await your return and I await for your love for me to return. This feeling of helplessness consumes me slowly and I wonder. Just what the hell did I do so wrong?
The more I desperately cling onto you.. the more i desperately hope for things to work out between us astounds me. The more I cling onto you the further you recoil from me. Is this fates way of playing cruel tricks on me?
As the sun slowly melts into darkness and I'm surrounded by my thoughts on those lonely nights. I wonder, do you miss me like I miss you? Will you be okay? Will they be okay? My heart aches. It aches for love that I know was never meant to be mine.
Placeholder. That should be the name for me. That's what I feel like. Someone not worthy of love. Someone undeserving of love. Someone who can give love but never receive it. Someone who's not capable of loving anyone. Hah. It's cruel. Even for someone like me. To get a taste of love and constantly have it snatched away when I'm in my most euphoric state. My most.. hopeful state.
I wonder.. am I deserving of your love? From someone as perfect as you? From people who are so so perfect. Am I truly worthy of your love? Someone who's as flawed as me. I'm content with watching you be happy. I'm content with being in your lives. But I'm selfish.
Why does it hurt? The thought of you all with someone who's not me? Someone who can give you so much more than I can? Someone who's not constantly letting you down? Someone who's perfect. Perfect for you. Someone who's not.. me.
It's suffocating.. this loneliness. I wonder when it'll end. I wonder when I'll be free.. back in your embrace. Back in your warmth. Surrounded by the people who I deeply love and care for. I wonder.
As the days slowly turn into weeks which turn into months. I slowly start to lose my mind. I start to wonder if I someone who's not worthy of love. Can find love? Maybe I just need to follow my own path. No matter how hard and lonely it gets. No matter how long this journey will take me. Love can be anything. It doesn't have to be between people. I'm content with just loving you without the reciprocation. I just want you. I want to be needed.
I wonder.. how life would be for me. Had I been worthy of your love? To hear your laugh once more.. to see your smile and your shyness. To spend hours in your presence and to sleep soundly to your rhythmic breathing. I wonder.. it hurts this feeling in my chest. It hurts. I wonder just how much more pain I can take. Just how much more I can take before I really do go crazy.
Before even someone like me has enough? Before I leave. Before I say my good byes and leave your embrace. Leave you in the care of others who are not me. Who could never be me. People who can offer you so much more than me.
Maybe I'm the problem. I stay silent in my suffering while others can let out whimpers and cries. I mourn my love and my happiness. For when you are not around I no longer know how to be happy. How to love when there is no you. You are my love. You teach me how to love and I miss it so desperately. I miss you.
These silent tears flow down my cheeks as I imagine a life with you. A life which I cannot have. A life which is not meant for us dreamers. It's suffocating.
I need you. I need you so desperately for I do not know how to live if there is no you. I'm tired. I'm in pain. Yet I suffer so silently. It's surprising how much one can suppress and continue to live. Continue to live a life without you.
I'm no longer going to wait. I'm going to mourn you.
I'm going to grieve you. I will have my highs and my lows. I will get through this with or without you. When you return.. if you shall return I promise you, I'll be in a much happier state. I'll be happy. I'll be free and I'll be content.
My heart may yearn for you but we were not written in the stars. Our love is not blessed and neither are we. We're sinners. Giving in to our guilty pleasures. For the darker the sin, the sweeter the prayer.
You're sinful. You're someone who I'll always desire. Who I'll always hold a special place for. Someone who'll never be forgotten. Someone I'll always cherish. When you find your way back to me I'll be there. Like always. My fondness for you will never go away. You are my one true desire.
So as fate has led us down different paths. I'm going to explore this, I'm going to explore this and I'll live. You're always going to be an intense desire I wish to run back to. You're always someone who I'll never let go of. For once. I need you to seek me out. I need you to need me. For I cannot do this without you.
Till we meet again my love.
