We're such a mess together | Sanegiyu

III

This is gonna be one hell of an angsty chapter 💔💔

Tomioka Giyu pov:

My heart clenched, I watched him storm away from me, clearly regretting ever coming out to meet me in the first place, I grabbed my shirt where my heart was and felt it yearn for him.

For as long as I could remember, I had always preferred men to women, even when I was a mere 13 year old, I liked Sabito and couldn't imagine myself with a woman. And I guess after losing Sabito, I must have gone mad as I remember the fateful day Sanemi joined the corps like no other.

[Flashback to when Sanemi joined]

It was a day like no other, we were summoned to the masters mansion to introduce a new hashira to our ranks, I thought nothing of it, just another pain to deal with having to stand among another person who actually earned their way to being a hashira, unlike me.

I bowed my head before our master and after he spoke, my heart picked up its beat, and I felt the same way I felt years before.

I really thought I saw a ghost in Sanemi that day, his scar, his eyes, even his rough demeanour reminded me of him, of Sabito. The true water hashira. Seeing Sanemi brought me back, I could feel the sting of his slap  in the breeze. His yelling at me was all echoing again, despite my various attempts to bury those memories.

I looked at Sanemi selfishly. My heart wants nothing more than to be full of him. And I fell in love. I fell in love with the same man that I was forced to watch and get flustered over a girl, a girl who would later die.

And however selfish and horrible of a person it makes me, I felt a slight weight off my shoulders at Kanaes funeral.

[Present time]

And thinking of this now, I realise how much of an asshole I must be. I look down at the koi fish in the pond, I look at Sanemi storming away, and I feel the urge to sob hysterically into my arms, laying down and accepting this heartbreak with my wallows

I knew Sanemis heart was with another. Even if she isn't here anymore, his heart is hers. And to take that away from her, from him, would be another unforgivable thing for me to have done. And while I can't bear that, maybe I can bear the pressure of denying myself anything to do with the wind hashira. That would be a fitting punishment for the likes of me.

I walked off in the opposite direction, leaving Uzuis mansion and going home. I couldn't see him, I couldn't take the chance. I need to avoid him at all costs now. To not allow myself to be so horrible. To be so selfish and greedy. Like I always am.

Arriving at my hollow estate, I enjoy the sound of silence, not an attendant at the estate, just me and my thoughts to occupy myself as I reflected. I sat down at the futon in my bedroom, having changed into my night gown, I try to close my eyes and rest, eventually drifting off into a slumber, an unruly one, full of restless tossing and turning only to be awoken by a nightmare in the end.

We all hate you. And you deserve it.

You should just die.
You should just die.
You should just die.
You should just die.
You should just die.
You should just die.
You should just die.
You should just die.
You should just die.
You should just die.
You should just die.
You should just die.
You should just die.
You should just die.
You should just die.
You should just die.
You should just die.
You should just die.
You should just die.
You should just die.
You should just die.
You should just die.
You should just die.
You should just die.

He looks at me in the dream, Sabito. His usually ethereal gaze turns into a scowl, and his face goes distorted, like a memory gap. It morphs into Sanemis glare, and they split, turning into two people, my dearest loves, Sanemi and Sabito, before chanting at me. Telling me what I needed to hear the most. I was affirming what I had considered.

I stand up emotionless, look around at my mundane life, the grey and brown room, full of neutral colours. My brain starts going haywire, I drone over to the bathroom and snatch the razor blade from where my secret stash was. I look back at my room and a smile appears on my face.

A smile I wish nobody will ever have the misfortune of seeing. As I roll up my sleeves, I graze my skin with the blade, a teaser for what's to come. I take a deep breathe in and slit.

One for mother.
One for father.
Two for Tsutako.
Three for Sabito.
Four for each time I failed.
Five for each time I disappointed.
Six for Sanemi.
Seven for Sanemi.
Eight for Sanemi.
For Sanemi.
.
.
.

I cried, hard. My slashes were wild and anywhere, on my legs, arms, wrists. Nowhere on my body was safe from the massacre I enforced onto my skin.

I played on my now crimson futon, my blood a pool surrounding me. I wouldn't die from this. My cuts were far to light to do any real damage... right? Atleast I prayed they were. I wasn't quite finished here yet. I had a few more things to do.

I thought to myself about cleaning up this mess, and then I sighed, rolled over in my blood and closed my eyes, exhaustion taking over. I was unable to keep them open any longer. I'll do it tomorrow I thought. Yeah. Tomorrow.

IM SORRY THIS WAS TOO ANGSTY!! I ALMOST CRIED WRITING THIS I LOVE GIYUU SM </3 HE DOESNT DESERVE THISS!!

Anyways... my bad guys I kinda forgot about writing this... -_-

But I'm back and I'll be more consistent!! I've been playing obey me recently... I love Leviathan!! Who's ur favourite if you play??

Anyways, see ya!! ♡♡