autumn 🍁

who I am

I always knew that I can't control my anger. I was always trying to not feel emotions, when I feel even a slightest emotion I shove it down. But I have some other ways to deal with difficult things... Usually I drink. But ... When alcohol can't help... I cut my self. Really deep and really hard. I cut so deep that blood doesn't stop for an hour. That were only things that helped me. Looking back, that now explains a lot of things. But we will talk about it when the time  comes. Lets continue. That day after I cut myself. I put some bondages on it and called it a day. When I came to the nursery, my head was a mess, but I hid it well. Or so I thought.
- Autumn?
I heard a male voice from a cross the hallway.
- Yes?
I lifted my head and saw Winter.
- Are you alright?
- Yes, why?
- You just look kinda...
- What?
- Like you have some troubles. I'm worried about you.
- and why is that?
- Well... You are my co-worker. And I'm looking out for you.
- Really?
I felt like my heart dropped. No one ever said anything like that before. Not to me. Except my brother but that was many many years ago.
- Yes, off course.
He said looking directly into my eyes.
- I'm fine...,
- No you're not.
- excuse me?
- I mean... If you don't want to talk about that it's alright, but if you do, now or ever... I'm here
- Thank you Winter. That is so nice of you.
He nodded, and left. I felt like... Like I had something alive in side me.

                                 ***

I came into the office. Marjorie looked at me.
- Autumn?
- Yes Marjorie?
- Have you been drinking?
- No.
- You smell like a bottle of wine.
- Well Marjorie I don't know what to say. I didn't drink.
- Alright, if you say so...
That day was very  silent.

                                ***
After my shift I went to the car park to go home, but I bumped at someone.
- Hey!
- O, I'm sorry.
It was Winter.
- Are you okay?
He asked.
- Yes, I am. A little head bump can't hurt me.
- Yes, I see. But... Are you okay?
- I just told you, I'm fine.
- You know I'm not talking about that. Woul you like to go for a drink?
- N... Yes, that would be quiet nice.
- Alright then.
We went on a drink, but it was more than just one drink. We were talking. I didn't said anything about my past, but I really had a great time.
- We should probably go, they are closing in 5 minutes.
- Yes .. Let's go.
We went to the cars.
- Thank you Autumn for great time. We should do this again. To be honest, I don't want this night to end.
I stood there, looking at him.
- Maybe it doesn't have end. Come with me.
We seat in my car and I drove us to my house. No one was ever there. But he was there.