Take Me Home | CHANLIX

Change My Mind

Chan opened his door before Felix had even finished ringing the bell. He and his mother--who Felix had grown up calling Mama, which now felt slightly weird considering he wanted to date her son--stood in the doorway, looking more than a little concerned.

'Felix? What's happened? Are you okay?' Chan asked, already reaching for Felix, eyes lingering on his neck. The hickies, Felix realised. The makeup was definitely smeared, and all the hickies Changbin had left were visible. God, he didn't want to know what Chan thought.

'I--'

'Come in quickly,' Mama said, her hand on their shoulders, pushing them towards the kitchen. She cupped Felix's face, turning his head this way and that, patting his arms, assessing for injuries. But besides the hickies and his red eyes, all his injuries were inside--his ass stung so sharply it reminded him of burning your hands on a frying pan, as if a hot poker had been shoved up his arse. And his heart--his heart ached, something like loneliness and regret and self-hatred rolled into one and heaped generously in his rib cage, weighing him down.

She looked at him with such concern, such care, that Felix's eyes burned, prickling with tears. It felt like he'd cheated on Chan, and yet it was to Chan's house he'd ran; he didn't deserve this care, this kindness. He didn't deserve any of it.

'Yongbok, what happened?' Mama asked, pulling out a chair at the kitchen table and sitting him in it. Felix winced, his ass so sore he wanted to jump out of the chair and find a corner to curl up in.

Chan must have noticed. He frowned, moving to sit next to Felix. 'Felix?'

Felix opened his mouth, then closed it again. What was he supposed to say? The clock on the wall said it was nearly one in the morning. How had everything happened with Changbin in less than three hours? There was no good answer he could give. He didn't want to lose Chan, not now, not ever, but especially not like this. I'm sorry I cheated on you with your best friend. I'm sorry I'm a lying whore. You deserve better than me but I want you so much it's killing me.

Felix's eyes welled up; when he took a deep breath, it came out as a ragged sniffle. His vision blurred, a choked sob stuck in his throat--and then Chan was pulling him against him, wrapping his arms around Felix tightly.

'It's okay, Lixie, I've got you,' Chan cooed.

What was Felix crying over? Who was he crying for? What happened with Changbin; the relationship he was going to lose with Chan; or himself, selfish as it was, for being hurt about this when he was hurting Chan, when he'd hurt Changbin too, all because Felix couldn't make up his Goddamn mind, couldn't admit to himself that he loved Chan?

Because he did. He loved Chan as easily as breathing, loved Chan like Felix needed him to breathe. He realised that now--it wasn't a crashing thought, the tide unexpectedly coming in, the way Felix always thought it was. No--it was the ocean lapping at the sand, a thought that had bobbed under the water coming to the surface. Felix had always loved Chan, even as kids--maybe he hadn't recognised his feelings for what they were, assigning them childish, easily understood emotions of jealousy and first crushes. Or maybe, even then, Felix had subconsciously known--maybe his mind had pushed it down, smothered it over with friendship and a golden childhood Felix always associated with warm, carefree Australian summers, because he hadn't been ready to accept the feelings, to truly understand the feelings.

But he understood them now. It was so obvious to Felix now, how stupid he'd been. He should've stopped his relationship--situationship, whatever--with Changbin as soon as he kissed Chan. He shouldn't have danced with Changbin when all he could think about was Chan. It had always been Chan; there had never been a doubt in Felix's heart that it was Chan, had never stopped thinking about him or aching for him.