𝐏𝐀𝐑𝐀𝐋𝐋𝐀𝐗𝐄𝐃 [𝐆𝐢𝐫𝐥𝐱𝐆𝐢𝐫𝐥]

18. Healing Heartbreaks

Emily's POV:

This is crazy.

Fucking insane.

I knew it. I fucking knew it, that I had committed a grave mistake by kissing her that day. God, what had I been thinking! I literally threw myself at her! Fuck, did I expect Monica Williams to accept me, like me back, date me? Never! Like, hell, she is Monica Williams—drop dead gorgeous. She would never tolerate, much less fancy, or even have any minute, fragments of feelings for someone like me. God!

And then there's me—evidently ogling, and obsessing over her for years now! She's cute, sweet, smart, friendly, kind, humble, open, gorge—. I'm always at loss of praises, when describing her. She's all of it. All that I'm not—and I could never, ever in my dreams, be even close to her. I'm just this brooding, snobby, overly-competitive, condescending, brat. That's what  I am, everyone—even Monica thinks so.

My cold front, confident, proud demeanour, my potency, my conviction, my— well, fucking everything about me is just a garb, an imitation— a coverup to hide what I really am.

Emily Rhodes—that name and fame that I love and hanker for, more than any thing else in this world is just a disguise to hide myself. I can't afford to let things about me, out and about, for that will be my destruction—I'll be digging my own grave, or perhaps I am already doing so, considering my stupid actions.

Hence I had to built this wall—this barricade, all around me, just to be sure that no one knows, what I am. It hurt like hell, when I had to deliberately refuse to all the fun and frolic that every teenager is entitled to, in high school. Never went out with friends, movies, parties, sleepovers—all of these were foreign to me. I didn't even understand what friendship truly is. And I had to sacrifice it all just for the sake of my dirty secret. I hated myself for being this way. I was not normal, and it's not like, my parents have ingrained such beliefs in me. For a fact, they don't even know about it and I pray, they don't suspect anything either. I cannot let them down. I cannot stand to see the embarrassment on their faces, if, God forbid, my secret is ever out. I'd rather keep my problems to myself. My parents are busy, and I don't want to make it worse, for them, or for me.

I'm—it irks me to even utter those words, but—I like girls. Yes. I'm lesbian, in every sense of the term. And I believe, it was a mistake that I'm born this way. It took me a lot of time to bring myself to realize and accept this fact, but I had to, eventually.

When I was younger, I remember, Meredith, Adeline and Aria talking about guys from rival schools, gushing over how cool or how hot they looked in their Instagram photos. I never once felt myself being remotely interested, in those pictures or discussions, I'd rather stay out of it, whatsoever. I've never dated. Never found a  boy even slightly attractive. Neither have I ever drooled or fawned over photos of shirtless jocks, whenever my friends showed me some. I'd be the most disinterested in such conversations, while my friends continued freaking and swooning over them.

But, when it came to girls. Oh boy. That was the end for me. Funny, how my friends would show me photos of the gorgeous girlfriends of those apparently 'hot' jocks, and I'd be a blushing, flushing mess, while they grumbled about how 'ugly' the girls were. Like, for real? Those girls in the photos were fucking meals and I'd be goddamn envious of all those jocks for even getting a shot at dating them— despite looking ghastly.

Yes. And I stood by my word—always disagreeing with my mates whenever they, called a visibly attractive girl, mid. I could swear, they were not mid at all.

Once, when we were bickering about one such girl, I'd foolishly admitted that I'd rather date her, than her jock-boyfriend. Stupid me. Thank god, my friends let it slide as a joke, or I'd be doomed, for life. I don't even know if my friends are homophobic or not. We have never discussed things as such so openly. But I don't want to find out either—fearing teh consequences that it might bring.