El Fuego y La Flor - The Storm

Chapter 12 - Not quite just friends anymore.

Leo

Cas broke down, the minute we found a good spot to rest. After we had climbed up the ladder at the side, and entered a room that looked like a giant storage hall, containers left and right and in the middle and just stacked anywhere without a real system, we had made our way across the hall. Careful with each and every step, after all we didn't know what awaited us here. We passed by smaller boxes and bigger ones, each labeled with their containments, some read normal stuff like »Bandages« or »Aspirin« (a very small box) but others proved that this ship wasn't run by humans. We came by one particular box which had the label »Dracaenae tails.« What they were used for, who would possible buy these or what exactly made a living of selling them, we had yet to find out.

We wandered through the hall, our steps echoing mechanically between the metal, but no one seemed to notice us. Aside from the many containers, the hall was empty. No sign of life. Cassia and I still tried to remain as quiet as possible. We took off our shoes and carried them, until we found a Container which was labeled »Human clothes, 15-17.« We changed our clothes behind separate containers, our tourist like clothing now replaced by normal hoodies and regular jeans, our shoes just sneakers. It was humiliating to know that clothes meant for 15 to 17 year olds didn't fit me. They were way too big. On the other hand, I hadn't grown since I arrived at Jo's and Emmie's which was about two and a half years ago, and back then, Georgie's overall had fit me perfectly. (It still did. I wore it the day before I left the Waystation. It was just a lot more comfortable than my usual clothes.)

Then we made our way along the wall, and, to our surprise, we found a little alcove right behind a container. It was well hidden, and if Cassia wouldn't have seen it, we would have walked straight past. We crawled into the little open space between the container and the wall. I doubted anyone could see us here. At least I hoped that. I really did. The alcove was barely big enough for the two of us. Cassia crawled in first, then she scooted up to the wall, to make as much room as possible for me. It was of no use, we were squished together like those cheap pre-baked muffins you could buy in any convenience store. But I didn't mind it. Cas probably did, but I didn't care. It's not like I was cold, but the day had been tiring enough and it was like, what, 10am? I just wanted to rest.

After some time, I looked over at Cassia to say a joke, or ask how she was doing, or to just generally break the silence. And I noticed that she was crying. Her expression was completely neutral, her gaze fixed on the wall opposite of us, but tears streamed down her face endlessly.
»Woah, woah, woah, what's wrong, why're you crying, what's up?« I asked, speaking a bit too hectic and a bit too pitched, but it got her attention. She looked at me, opened her mouth, and began sobbing. I didn't even know what to do. In case you hadn't noticed yet, I wasn't that good at dealing with people's feelings. And seeing her like this now, well, it made me uncomfortable. But not in the way that I wanted her to stop crying - I mean, I did, I really did - but in a way that made me uncomfortable with myself because I wasn't able to help. I just awkwardly put my hand on her shoulder and said »Shhh« but that didn't help. The opposite actually, she started sobbing even more. Good work Valdez, making girls cry like that, I thought to myself. I hesitated for a second and then pulled her closer, into a hug. She kept sobbing, trying to keep it quiet but it echoed through our tiny space of confinement, before escaping the alcove and bouncing between the metal and the walls of the hall.

I didn't ask what was wrong. I just hugged her and she hugged me. Her arms were wrapped around my back, tight enough to crush my shoulder blades, but I didn't care. She needed it.
I quietly held onto her for a while, listening to her sobs, not saying a word, just being there, and something inside my mind clicked. Something inside there just shifted into another position and everything became so much clearer now. The way it was easy to talk to her. The way she made me feel at ease and comfortable with her, and the way I was just able to... wind down around her. But also the uncomfortable sensation every time I was with her in silence, the feeling that I'd understand her like a machine. It all suddenly made sense. She was like me, in so many ways, that I had begun to think of her as a part of me. All my life, I had built up this giant wall around myself, concealed what I felt with my jokes and my humour and my flirting and my idiotic behaviour. Sure, I had changed over the years, and actually grown up (or at least something like that), But I had always known that it was there. That wall. That trapped me, although I wanted it to.

And then I met this girl. This girl named after a flower which can be poisonous but is mostly just pretty. This girl with that huge temper and her stupid but also genius ideas. This girl that defied anything her mother is known for and that built her own path through life. This girl, that had also built up a wall around her heart and her soul, keeping them safe from people and keeping people safe from them. But the difference between us, was that I could still see my wall. She couldn't. She had honed it to such perfection that it became a part of her. And now, the ocean had swapped away a part of it. Broke it down, halfway, and left behind the ruins. And this girl, Cassia Flores, that was crying on my shoulder, was left behind, alone and confused and scared because she had this feeling to rebuild something she had seen as a part of her. She wanted to fix that wall, before anyone could see the vulnerable and hurt girl behind it.

I knew exactly what that felt like. I knew exactly how awful it hurt when your walls came down, but I knew how much it healed you in the long run.
You really grew up. A tiny voice at the back of my mind whispered. It sounded like... my mother. I vaguely noticed that I was tapping the morse code on the back of Cassia's shoulder. I love you. Like my mother always had. And then an idea shot through my mind. I didn't want Cassia to go through the pain I went through. I didn't want her to rebuild her wall, nor to live in the ruins of it. She should take it down. And I should too.

I don't remember with what I started. I didn't know if she even heard me, but her sobs quieted down and her breathing became steadier, as she clung onto me. I told her about everything - well, nearly everything. I told her about Tía Callida. I told her about my mother, Esperanza Valdez. I told her about the fire, about Gaea, about my mother's death, about my life on the streets, about my aunt and cousin and everyone who rejected me throughout my life. I didn't talk for her pity, I talked to show her that it was okay to share. To take down the walls. I told her about how I first met Festus, how I found bunker 9, about my first mission with Jason and Piper. I drifted off and told her how much I missed Jason, how much I wished I was still in contact with Piper, how much everything just hurt recently. I came back to my main point, to tell her about my encounter with Nemesis, the way I have always felt guilty for Percy's and Annabeth's fall into Tartarus, and then, finally, what it felt like to blow up Festus, Gaea and myself. The feeling of burning to a crisp. The feeling of dying. I somehow felt that she'd understand. I couldn't speak on after that.

Cassia was completely quiet now. I wasn't even sure if she was still crying. She still hugged me and I held onto her as well, not wanting to be the one to let go first. I liked feeling her head on my shoulder. I liked that she had listened. For a short moment, a voice of doubt echoed through my brain. Would I regret telling her this? Would my past repel her so much, that she'd scoot away, press closer to the wall, and avoid looking at me? After all it was my fault, my mother died, my fault, my family couldn't stand me, my fault, that I was-
I stopped myself. I purged those thoughts from my mind. It didn't matter now. I had said what I had said.

I felt her stir and quickly let go of her when she looked up at me. Her eyes were red and puffy, her hair was a mess and her lower lip was bleeding slightly - she had probably bit it. Still, something about this Cassia was different. She looked so much worse than usually, she looked like she had just - quite literally - drowned, but somehow... she was more beautiful now, than ever. I quickly snapped my gaze away from her eyes, looking around as if the ceiling above the alcove was especially interesting right now. I only drew my gaze back towards her when she spoke.
»Why are you telling me all this?«
Her voice was quiet and hoarse, scratchy from the sea water. She sounded like she had smoked three packs of cigarettes. It was kind of cute.
I smiled a bit, unable to hold myself back from that.
»Because it's okay to talk about it.« I said softly, surprised at how quiet and calm my voice was. Just to de-cringe the situation, I added: »Despite, I wanter you to stop crying before some monster notices us and eats us.«
She scoffed, but the corners of her lips tugged into a small smile. She hugged me again, which I hadn't expected. I may have let out a noise that sounded like the shriek of a little girl. But only maybe.
»Can you tell me more?« She now asked, her head resting between my neck and my shoulder again, as if humans had been made to hold each other that way. Maybe they had. It was nice to think so.
I smiled. »Nah... I need to keep some of my Trauma to myself, you know, in case you break down crying again.«
I felt her chuckle, more than I heard it. Her breath against my neck.
»You're an idiot, Leonidas Valdez.«
»I know, Cassia Flores. Believe me, I know.«

That was the first time. The first time, I thought this way. Thought, that we weren't 'just friends anymore.
Friends don't get the benefit of your deepest and most painful secrets, right?