Dear Jerome (Merome) (Dear Mitch)

30th June 2021

Dear Jerome,

ArcadiaCon started today, and I am so bummed you didn't come. Still, why would you? You're avoiding me and we're no longer friends by the looks of things.

You weren't even on the list of attendees, anyway.

So many of the others came though. Preston, Rob, Lachlan, Brandon, Ryan, Mat... I could sit here for hours listing the names, and that's only for the first day. Devon and Shellie were there as well, and now they're engaged.

So many couples, and we aren't one of them.

Do you still talk to Devon? Of course you do. He's from Jersey, same as you, and Louise and him are friends. I'd guess so if I had to. He still works for the Nexus. You'd probably prefer talking to him, anyway. He didn't try to kiss you. Plus, he's also engaged. Marriage party!

I haven't actually talked to you in a long time. It's been like... ten months since a proper conversation that wasn't forced, contrived. You play well for the cameras, you know. I'm almost surprised you never made it to Hollywood. The way you've acted... I'd almost have believed we'd only been drifting, rather than seperated by a rift.

I also don't want to talk to you, though. You should know why.

You called to confirm you weren't able to make it to the whole team, and in doing so, told me that Louise was pregnant. You didn't really apologise, but instead, used it almost like a warning.

I'd guessed it'd happen sooner or later.

It took a second to sink in though, like...

Brain: Hey Mitch, what did he just say?
Me: I don't quite know...
Brain: Oh yeah, something about Louise and a baby happening?
Me: Wait... I can't. No. Oh. My. God.
Brain: Oh yeah, Louise... is... pregnant. That's what he said!
Heart: WHAT?!?!?! LOUISE IS PREGGERS?!?!?!?!?!
Me: Turn it off!

As you can see, I don't think I dealt with it the best. I knew this was coming some day, but a part of me hoped differently.

I wonder if you'll have a girl or a boy. I stand by my previous statement when I say that it'd be great if you had a boy named Mitch, but you said you've always wanted a girl. Maybe twins would be cool. One of each, so we'd both get what we want. Still, you know what they say. "Hope for the best, prepare for the worst."

I hoped and hoped for the best, but I've only had the worst.

Right?

What is worse? You dying and never being able to come back/visit me where Atheists go, or having you alive, but just that slight bit out of my reach? I hate this feeling where I know that, had I fought just a little harder, fought just a little earlier, I could've won.

Plus, now... I know there's a tiny bit that resents you. You're moving on, and I'm left behind in that dark wallowing pit of self-despair because I'm just really, really, really deep in unrequited feelings.

You know, because this house is so empty, I've spent so many days cleaning every nook and cranny I can see. I ended up finding a lot of old trash, and now the bin is overflowing, again with old pizza boxes and Chipotle wrappers. Only a few of the rooms are immaculate. The rest are still a little questionable, and it makes me restive just thinking about it. I want it perfect, and a minute part of me knows it is only in case you turn up on my doorstep.

Thinking about you... I don't even know anymore. Some days, when you cross my mind, the thought just sends a deep, feeling through my body, and it echoes in all the hollow places of my heart.

My heart is owned by you, whether I like it or not, and I can't decide otherwise. I don't think you wanted that, but somehow, you staked your claim on it, and I don't dare take it back.

I don't want to take it back. I just want you to hold it and keep it safe. Keep me safe.

Love you long time,
Mitch.