english love affair | lando norris

11

Tuesday, May 14, 1:48 pm
one week after Miami

Malia

It was race week again, this time in Imola. Oscar, Aurora, and I were spending a relaxing week off in Monaco, watching old historic cars drive around the Monaco Circuit for the Historic Grand Prix - where I knew Lando would be doing his scheduled PR appearance with Magui. Aurora tried to move me away from my bed, where I sat on my burner Instagram account scrolling through gossip pages to watch through all of their opinions and reactions to them together.

"They're so cute together! I really hope they are dating!"

"It's so obvious they're not dating, they walk like 10 feet apart."

"Used to be a rumour but atp just announce it."

"Definitely not trying to hide it now."

"No... just no. Lando can do so much better."

"I wanted Lando and Malia to be together... hopefully they will be one day!"

That last one sent shockwaves coursing through my body. The comment about Lando and me being together was like a jolt of electricity. I didn't want to feed into delusional fan theories, but part of me couldn't help feeling a pang of sadness that that wasn't our current reality.

Aurora, noticing my discomfort, plucks the phone from my hand.

"You know you shouldn't look at that stuff, Lia," she chides. "It's just for shits and giggles."

I sigh, looking over at her with my phone in her hand, reaching back over to snatch it back.

"Yeah I know, but that doesn't mean it hurts any less," I say nonchalantly.

She looks at me with a mix of empathy and frustration on her face.

"It's not worth it, babe," she says softly. "We didn't come here for you to lock yourself in the bedroom again. We're here to have fun."

There was a hint of concern in her tone, like she didn't want me to get sucked back into that spiral of what-ifs and could'ves.

I appreciated her concern, but my spiral was far from happening again. I was physically unable to slide down that rabbit hole again after Jack and I, but I could see that the recent amount of panic attacks I've had contradicted that.

Aurora sighs, seeing through my facade, even without me saying anything.

"You can't fool me, Lia," she says quietly, her voice filled with understanding. "I know what you're going through, even if you don't want to admit it."

The mention of him triggered a pang of guilt in my chest. That trauma still lingered, it never truly left.

I placed my phone down on my lap, fiddling with my fingers as I spoke, "I don't know what's wrong with me. We're in Monaco, about to go to Italy for fucks sake, and all I can be fucked doing is thinking about what Lando's up to. I feel like a fangirl. It's so stupid."

"It's not stupid, you can't control your feelings, Lia," she says, her voice gentle. "You have a thing for Lando, a real thing, and seeing him with someone else is hurting you, even if it's just for PR."

She nudges me gently, trying to get me to look at her.

"It's okay to feel upset or even jealous. It doesn't make you a fangirl. It just makes you human."

I snuggle into her shoulder, "I do like him, but we're friends. I'm not fucking that up."

She wraps her arm around my shoulders, drawing me closer into her.