Five year old me wanted to be Aurora saved by the prince. She wanted to have a high school relationship like all the ones portrayed Disney channel movies. She wanted to marry a man one someday.
Twenty year old me never got or experienced any of that. This is because other than the fact that the world is not unicorns and rainbows, I have a fear of intimacy. Yeah, physical, but mainly emotional. I'm not ready, and I don't care about being ready for a relationship. I want to take my time. I want to stay single. I don't want a man.
Ideally, I would like to put a pause on my five year old self's plans until I figure my shit out. However, looks like I have more shit to figure.
Recently, I've learned that I still want a man, but not for the sake of living out my childhood dreams.
I want one cause it would make life more practical. As long as I would like to be truly and fully independent, I'm gonna have to accept the fact that I can't. I can't go to the gas station at night by myself. I can't go boat riding by myself. I can't travel by myself. "I can't," meaning, I can't do these things by myself without running the risk of getting kidnapped or assaulted. It also would be nice to have some muscle.
In conclusion, I want a man, but he really doesn't have to kiss me or anything.
