Hope among the ruins (EN) ✅

Chapter 19

✲꘏ ꘏ ꘏ ꘏✲

Finally, we got into that gigantic freighter through a drop ladder at the back. It was our last chance, because we couldn't climb through the back steps either. We crept slowly and silently, occasionally hiding behind containers stacked and securely fastened on the deck floor. The crew was swarming this ship and we had no idea where we would be hiding for the duration of the trip.

Or I just didn't realize it. Tobias knows what he's doing because he no doubt has a plan.

At least that's what I expected from him.

Sneaking and hiding like this, we reached the cabin. Without hesitation, Tobias pulled out a hunting knife from behind his boot and slashed the sailor's throat with it. The man fell to the floor. Blood flowed in streams from the wound in his neck. I looked at this image in confusion, but it was strange that I did not vomit when I saw the blood this time. It was something new.

Looking up at Tobias, I frowned.

"I know you don't like it, but it was necessary," he declared, and sat down on a soft bench in the cabin we had just entered and locked from the inside. He placed the knife on the folding table. "In war, as in love... There are no rules, and all means are permissible and justified."

"No goal is so noble as to justify dishonorable means," I declared and sat down next to the boy, crossing my arms over my chest.

"Albert Einstein, what?" he asked, glancing at me from the corner of his eye. He somehow understood that I was quoting one of the most famous scientists.

"I'm just saying that you could have made him not betray us."

"A bad peace is much worse than war itself, believe me."

I didn't say anything to Tobias's words. I knew I had no right to blame him for the death of this sailor. After all, he had killed many more innocent people before he met me.

Almost killed me.

"That day before you kidnapped me, I wondered," I broke the now quite unpleasant silence between us. "I thought about the fact that all you soldiers probably don't even know why you have to fight."

"Of course. After all, Hitler wants to take over the whole world," Tobias nodded in agreement.

"Toby... I hope you don't mind if I call you Toby," having received the boy's approval, I continued to speak: "That's not what I mean. You are all just following the whims of some fat dog. But killing innocent people for unjustifiable reasons. Killing them without wanting to at all. Have you ever asked yourself how you would feel after killing someone? I pointed to the dead sailor with his throat cut on the floor in my blood clan."

"I asked. And I'm still asking," nodded Tobias. "I often think about it. Although those thoughts do not save me from self-loathing. I see what you mean, Elizabeth. But that's what war is like."

"Did you join the army of your own free will?" I asked, deciding to touch the boy's heart and experiences in a different way. Although I don't know why I needed it. Maybe I wouldn't lose my humanity?

"Yes. I had to hide my origin. It was the only way to hide from fate."

"And to the war?"

"No."

"What I'm saying," I spread my hands to the sides. "Perhaps there are soldiers who did not want to go even to the army, but were conscripted, but none of you had any idea that one day you would have to take part in a real war. In a war where a person dies in front of you and you can't do anything about it and if you don't save your own life you will just be shot."

"So now you understand why I had to kill this sailor," Tobias declared and leaned against the wall, placing his hands on his stomach, intertwining his fingers. I turned to him to see his face, even though it wasn't very bright in the cabin.

War has only one plus: you can kill a person and not be punished for it. 

I killed myself.

"Elizabeth, have you ever killed someone?" Tobias's question was unexpected. "At least one person."

"I let my mother die," I muttered and looked down at my fingers, which I was rubbing together nervously. "She had tuberculosis and I did nothing to help her recover. Although as a future nurse, I could see to it that it healed."

"This disease is incurable. You couldn't do anything, so it doesn't count," the guy stated. "I'm talking about real murder. When you aim a gun at someone and pull the trigger."

"As soon as I got to the military hospital, they brought a wounded soldier whose body could be saved from the bullets. I was the main and chief assistant surgeon. I provided him with all the tools needed for the operation. He pulled three bullets from his left arm, two from his right shoulder, and four from his leg. After sewing up all the wounds, he put the guy in the common room where all the sick were lying and assigned me to take care of him." After being silent for a while, I sighed intermittently and raised my eyes to Tobias for a few moments. 

He looked at me curiously and listened. I couldn't even hear him breathing. So I continued:

"One day, while examining his wounds, I felt a lump in his throat. I told the doctors about this and they quickly realized that the guy would have a more thorough examination. It turned out that he already had a malignant tumor in his throat. He didn't have much left to live. As the days went by, he got worse and worse, although the doctors did not give up and looked for ways to cure him. On that fateful day just before he died, he asked me to take him outside for a walk."

Remembering that sick soldier, I sighed deeply and after swallowing painfully, I looked down at the dead sailor. Despite the pain in my chest, I continued:

"When we moved away from the camp, he pulled out a gun and put it in my palm. Didn't even ask... just demanded I kill him. It is said that he did not dare to raise his hand in front of himself, and he did not want to live the rest of his days, because his whole body, all his organs were in crazy pain. He had to persuade me for a long time, but he still succeeded. Seeing the pain in his eyes, I couldn't answer. I had to fulfill his only wish. He just wanted to break free. He assured me that death is not scary. According to him, death is easy, it frees us from suffering here on earth. When I returned to the camp I did not dare to tell anyone what I had done."

"So you know what it feels like to take someone's life." Tobias nodded in understanding. "Even if it is his own wish."

"I am not proud of the fact that I allowed myself to be persuaded."

"But you gave him freedom," said the boy, straightening his elbows and leaning on his knees. "You fulfilled his wish. He wanted it himself, Elizabeth. There are people who are not afraid of death. They accept it as salvation."

"But most don't want to die," I stated, raising my voice slightly.

"I know. Like I said, when not only your friends' lives are threatened, but your own life, you think of yourself first. And you do everything to save your girlfriend."

"I don't... If I had to choose to die or live, I would choose death without hesitation."

"Are you saying you would sacrifice yourself? Why?" asked Tobias, who seemed to be completely confused this time.

"Because that's who I am already. I will always put someone else's life first before my own. If I had been able to save your parents, I would have faced the Red Army soldiers and demanded that they shoot me instead."

"They would have shot you," the guy assured, raising his eyebrows. "And then they would have killed my father and mother anyway."

✲꘏ ꘏ ꘏ ꘏✲