Oops! This image does not follow our content guidelines. To continue publishing, please remove it or upload a different image.
✲꘏ ꘏ ꘏ ꘏✲
Pius stopped to listen to the announcement and did not even realize that he had released his grip on me.
Seizing the opportunity, I ran in the opposite direction from the one he had been leading me. I intended to return to Toby and make one last attempt to persuade him to escape with me.
The ship had erupted into joyful chaos.
Now that Hitler was dead and the war was over, the path toward finding a new home—even a temporary one—would surely be far more open.
At last, I reached the rope ladders used by the crew to descend into the lifeboats whenever disaster struck the ship.
Grabbing the winch handle, I began turning it.
Moments later, one of the lifeboats creaked loudly as it swayed and slowly descended toward the sea.
I barely had the strength to turn the mechanism, but I forced every last ounce of energy into it.
Once I freed Toby, at least the boat would already be afloat, and we could jump into it instead of trying to swim to shore with our own strength.
When the lifeboat finally touched the surface of the water with a gentle thud, I leaned over the railing to make sure it was floating steadily upon the ocean.
Only then did I straighten and look around.
Now came the moment when I had to return to Toby's cell and convince him—somehow, at any cost—that he had to flee with me.
Running back the same way Pius had brought me onto the deck, I had already memorized the route.
Without hesitation, I headed for the stairs and hurried down them.
Along the way, I smashed the glass of another emergency case with my elbow and pulled out the hammer mounted inside.
Warm blood trickled down my arm from the cut, but I paid it no attention.
There was only one goal left.
On my way, I encountered two more guards.
Before they had time to react, I swung the hammer.
I struck one hard enough to destroy his eye.
The other's nose collapsed beneath the blow.
The bodies of the men I had killed earlier still lay nearby.
I grabbed a pistol from one of them and continued running.
When I reached the prison block, already knowing which cell belonged to Toby, I rushed straight to the end of the corridor, ignoring the prisoners shouting from behind the bars.
I shoved the cell door open with my shoulder and nearly stumbled inside.
Then I stopped.
I froze as though struck by paralysis.
Horror rooted me to the spot as I stared at the body lying motionless on the floor in a pool of its own blood.
My head began shaking violently from side to side.
I could not believe what I was seeing.
It took me an unbearably long time to comprehend what had happened.
Tears welled in my eyes.
My hands trembled.
My knees threatened to give way beneath me.
I wanted nothing more than to lie down beside the man I loved and die with him.
Who had dared shoot him so mercilessly?
Had he suffered before he died?
Or had death come swiftly?
Those questions and countless others raced endlessly through my mind, though I already knew I would never receive an answer.
There was nothing anyone could do for Toby anymore.
No one could bring him back from the dead.
I left the cell and stepped back into the corridor.
This time it was empty.
Only the floor was littered with corpses.
Without looking back, without even trying to hurry, I walked forward, though I knew I should have been running.
Otherwise, someone would soon capture me, and my chance to escape would vanish forever.
But after seeing the man I loved lying dead, escape no longer seemed to matter.
For reasons I could not explain, I no longer even cared that I carried his child within me.
I had lost the will to live.
When I climbed the stairs and emerged onto the deck once more, I saw that even more people had gathered there.
Some stood alone.
Others clustered together, talking quietly among themselves.
For the moment, no one noticed me.
But just as I placed one leg over the railing, preparing to throw myself into the sea, someone rushed toward me.
Strong hands seized my arms and waist, pulling me violently away from the edge.
Voices shouted all around me, but I could no longer distinguish the words.
Then I felt a faint sting.
Even that failed to stir any real reaction.
Only one thought remained in my mind.
I have to die.
And yet I knew, with absolute certainty, that I would never find the courage to take my own life.
★ ⋆ ★
I know they carried me to a cabin and laid me on a bed.
After I had slept for a while, a doctor came to examine me. He checked my overall condition and said that all my vital signs were good, except for the fact that I had suffered severe shock. To recover from it, he explained, I would simply need time.
Still, he recommended that I seek the help of a psychologist to make it easier to cope with everything I had endured and the psychological scars the war had left behind.
I did not want to listen.
I did not want to speak to anyone.
But no one paid any attention to what I wanted.
The cabin where I lay became a revolving door of visitors. Doctors came and went. Psychologists followed. Then Pijus. Then stewards carrying trays of food, urging me to eat.
I wanted none of it.
I did not want to eat.
I did not want to wash.
I did not want to talk.
The only thing I longed for was to sink into a deep sleep and never, ever wake again.
The only thing that seemed to keep me alive was the small life growing inside my womb.
Even then, I knew I would never again be the woman I had once been.
And I knew, too, that I would never be the mother my child truly deserved.
Yet...
For that child alone, I would have to find the strength to go on.
