Remember My Dreams

11. You

The next morning, I was still exhausted, nearly drained from the sleepless night, but I knew I couldn't stay in bed any longer. With heavy steps, I dragged myself to the kitchen, where Tom was already sitting. "Did you manage to get some sleep?" he greeted me as I walked in. His voice was friendly, but I could sense the underlying concern. I gave a brief nod and mumbled an incoherent response as I grabbed the first cup I could find and placed it under the coffee machine.
The aroma of fresh coffee filled the kitchen, and I felt a small glimmer of hope. I sat down at the kitchen table and took my first sip, the bitter warmth spreading through my body, but offering little relief. Tom sat directly across from me. He didn't say another word, but his eyes followed my every move. I avoided his gaze, knowing he probably wanted to lecture me about taking better care of myself.
I sighed deeply and focused on my coffee. "What did Bas have to say yesterday?" I asked without looking up. I just wanted to know what happened, without any further discussions or lectures.
Tom sighed too before answering, as if he knew this conversation was inevitable. "Bas came to tell us that Sophie asked him not to mention anything about us, and he wanted to check if we agreed," he said calmly. "And of course, I said it was fine. We don't want to confuse Elise even more, right, Bill?"
I finally looked at him and rolled my eyes. It felt like everything and everyone was working against me. I pushed my chair back and stood up. "I have to go," I muttered, determined to get away.
"Where are you going?" Tom asked immediately, his voice a mix of concern and frustration.
I turned to look at him, my eyes burning with anger. "Tom, I don't have to explain myself to you. I'm old enough to go wherever I want," I snapped back.
Tom sighed again, this time deeper and longer. "Promise me you won't go to the hospital, okay?" he asked, his voice softer, almost pleading.
I didn't respond. Instead, I grabbed my coat and stormed out the door, into the crisp morning air. Outside, the cold bit sharply at my skin, a welcome distraction from the chaos in my mind. My breath formed clouds in the air as I walked down the streets, with no clear destination in mind. Each step felt heavy, but it helped me to somewhat organize my thoughts.
I had no plan, just a burning desire to do something, to go somewhere where the pain might momentarily disappear. The city seemed still, most people were probably still having breakfast or getting ready for the day. I tried to figure out what my next step should be, while Tom's words echoed in my mind.
His concern was understandable, but I felt trapped in a situation where I had no control. Elise was the center of my world, and the idea that someone else would be helping her while I stood on the sidelines was unbearable. Still, deep down, I knew Tom was right. We had to be careful not to confuse or scare Elise any further.

Without realizing it, I found myself standing in front of the hospital. My eyes widened as I recognized the building and realized where I was. This was a sign, it had to be. I needed to see Elise, no matter what.
I slipped inside, my heart pounding with anticipation. To get further, I had to pass the visitor's gate, where the security guards who had kicked me out yesterday were standing. I quickly looked the other way, where a large desk was situated. Maybe this was my chance. A young woman was sitting behind the desk. It shouldn't be a problem for me to convince her to let me in. If necessary, I could offer her tickets for our Humanoid tour.
With a determined look, I approached the young woman. "Bill Kaulitz!" she exclaimed, her eyes wide with surprise. I tried to signal her to keep her voice down, but the damage was already done. People around us began to gather, their whispers and curious glances only made the situation more uncomfortable. Before I could flee, the security was already beside me.
"Sorry, Bill," said the man who had held me yesterday. "I can't allow you access to the hospital."
I nodded, my hope crushed in an instant. "I'll go out on my own," I said to him, my voice flat with disappointment. He nodded and signaled to his colleagues. "I'll distract the crowd," he said with a wink.
With heavy steps, I made my way outside, the feeling of failure weighing heavily on my shoulders. I sat down on a bench outside the hospital and slowly lit a cigarette, the smoke curling upward as I inhaled deeply. The cold air cut through my thin jacket, but I barely felt it. My thoughts were a jumble of frustration and sadness.

Time passed, but I had no idea how long I had been sitting there. The minutes and hours seemed to blur together, and the cigarettes I had smoked lay scattered around me as silent witnesses to my restless mind. I had nowhere else to go. Despite the distance between us, I somehow felt closer to Elise here.
My gaze drifted up to the hospital building, and I noticed my eyes rising, as if drawn by an invisible force. And there, through a window on the second floor, I saw her face glowing. My heart skipped a beat when I saw her. Elise was standing by the window, her face bathed in the daylight. She had opened the window and let the fresh air wash over her face, her eyes closed in enjoyment. Her smile, her face—everything about her was perfect. She was smiling, and that alone made my heart leap.
I took another drag of my cigarette, my eyes fixed on her. It was a rare moment of pure happiness in this chaos. But that happiness was short-lived. Two seconds later, she looked back into her room, and I saw Bas appear behind her. He wrapped his arms around her neck in a gesture of comfort and friendship, but to me, it felt like betrayal. A wave of disgust washed over me. Even though I knew Bas was gay and that he was her best friend, I couldn't suppress the jealousy. I didn't trust him one bit.
They went back inside, the curtains slowly closing, and the window shut. I was left alone on that bench, sad and defeated. The warmth of her smile that had just warmed my heart was now overshadowed by the cold of jealousy and despair.
Each cigarette I lit seemed to cloud my thoughts more rather than calm them. Why did it have to be so hard? Why couldn't I just go to her, tell her how I felt, and hold her in my arms?
With a deep sigh, I stubbed out my last cigarette and watched as the gray ash fell to the ground. The world around me felt empty and cold. As the cold wind blew around me, I felt lost, directionless, and without hope. The silence of the evening began to fall, and I knew I couldn't stay here forever. But where else could I go? What could I do to win her back, to show her how much she meant to me?
I sat there for a while longer, hoping for an answer that never came. Time passed, and the hospital lights began to come on. I stared at the window where I had seen Elise, and my thoughts drifted to better times. The time when everything was still good, when we were together and happy. But now everything was different. Now it felt like I had lost her forever.