Will to Live (TW)

Will to live

I’m not sure what I was expecting when I walked into the gymnasium, but it wasn’t this.
It’s a sea of black, with a few islands of white and red.
The music is loud, and the lights are flashing.
I can feel the beat of the music in my chest, and I’m not sure if it’s exciting or terrifying.
I’ve never been to a dance before, and I’ve never seen so many people in one place before.
My heart is racing, and I have to remind myself to breathe.
I’m not sure if I should turn around and leave or find a corner to hide in.
I scan the room in hopes of finding a corner of solitude.
My feet feel like they’re glued to the floor, but I force myself to move.
One step at a time, I make my way through the throng of people.
The music is deafening, and the lights are almost blinding, but I keep my head down, hoping I don't attract any attention as I search for a place to sit.
I see a small area with nobody to bother me, and I start to walk towards it.
I’m almost there when a hand grabs my shoulder.
I turn around to see Mark standing there, his lips curled into a sneer.
“Well, well, if it isn’t Ethan Delaini the fat fuck of the school,” he says, his voice dripping with sarcasm.
“What are you doing here? This isn’t your scene.”
I swallow hard, trying to ignore the knot forming in my stomach.
“I just wanted to check it out,” I say, my voice barely audible over the music.
Mark laughs, a harsh sound that cuts through the noise.
“Check it out? You mean you wanted to see if you could fit in for once?” He steps closer, his eyes narrowing.
“You don’t belong here, Delaini. Why don’t you just leave?”
I can feel my face heating up, and I look down at my feet.
Maybe he’s right. Maybe I should just go.
"Your right Mark," I say quietly.
Mark looks at me and pours his drink on my head. "I know I'm right you worthless fucker," he says in a mocking tone.
I turn and walk out of the building. "What was I thinking," I say to myself.
I walk a few blocks till I reach my house and I open the door. "I'm home Mom! I'm gonna head to bed," I yell up.
I head to my room and get out a clean pair of clothes and I head into the bathroom.
I take off my shirt and look at myself in the mirror.
"He's right...I'm an ugly worthless fat pig..." I say to myself with a tone of self hatred.

I begin to sigh as I stare at my reflection in the bathroom mirror. I frown in shame at the sight of my fat body.

"Why can't I just be skinny like everyone else?" I mutter to myself, pinching the layer of fat around my stomach. I have tried countless diets and exercise routines, but nothing seemed to make a difference. I feel like I'm stuck in a body that I don't want.

I turn my head to my razor and stare at the blade and I think to myself, "One cut and I'll be free."