Why's life so unfair?
Why do we need to experience such obstacles for us to be strong afterward?
I kept asking myself a lot of times. I don't even know why a lot of times, I've always felt so disappointed in myself. For not yet achieving small or big things that I wish would happen.
I hate myself. I hate myself because growing up... I was always being in silent. I don't share a lot whether good or bad things with other people, including my family and friends. I used to push them away a lot of times because of various reasons. One is... I don't want to be a burden to them. Of course, they also have their problem so that's why I don't want to add up to their problem. Secondly, I don't want them to feel that I am their responsibility, na kargo nila ang problema ko. Gusto ko ang problema ko, problema ko lang.
Why do I feel like every time I say something to them, I always feel guilty about it? Probably because I feel guilty when I say things that could offend them, I would regret it afterward.
There's a part of me that when I try to explain to them my side, they will judge me. That they will invalidate my feelings. They would never listen to all my thoughts and opinions. I feel like I'm always wrong, and they are always right even though what they're doing to me, makes things even more complicated with me.
Why does it feel like they are getting uninterested whenever I want to talk about something good news about school or other things I like to share?
Was that because I was always quiet that they were already used to me that no matter what happened, I could never speak up, that they would never listen to me? Those are the questions in my mind that until now, it's still brushing on. All over again.
Since I do have a lot of questions in my mind that keep on drowning in my mind I rather chose not to say it all, because I don't want complicated things that might happen. So I rather kept it to myself and maybe... just maybe. I'll have first to set aside things and let go of these uncertain feelings that kept on brushing inside of me, and until I feel okay again.
The next thing I knew... until now, my life has always felt so suffocated, especially at our home.
The home that was supposed to be calm, and peaceful. But that was just before. Not until when my grandmother suddenly left us. I feel like our home was never a home like before. Some left, some went to far places to work for their own needs, and some went abroad. My whole family's relatives had drifted apart and changed differently not unlike how we were happy before we were still a complete family.
Somehow, I realized... It changed differently.
We were outgrowing separately.
Only the three of us are left to stay at our home. My mom, and my sister. I also include my uncle but he isn't my relative, he is my mom's present boyfriend who is now I call my uncle.
He's a good father to his son, a man who could sacrifice everything for his son, he's a kind, hard-working man, and he seems different from my father. They are different in their perspectives. I love how he's taking care of to mom, I can sense that he loves her with so much adoration and affection.
But still, the home where I was living for so long was a darkness that I kept on enduring all these years.
Even though I always tried to do my responsibilities. Yet in the end, all they think and see about me is I am always wrong. Honestly, I admit that sometimes I feel like I don't have the freedom to do what I want or even to decide for myself. Because they are always in control of my doings. And I hate that.
When people ask me, what I want or what makes me happy, I always answer that I want to be free.
I wanted to experience something new that would surely make me feel satisfied and at peace. But how long I can bear that if I was still living in darkness for a long time?
In my family, I admit that in the first place... they're the ones who make me feel suffocated not just because I had always lived at our home growing up but because the choices and decisions I made were all wrong as what they see and think about me. Yung kahit pag-didisplina nila sa 'kin pakiramdam ko hindi na tama. It was unhealthy and toxic for me. Yet, I'd choose to endure all those things inside me all over again.
Whenever I go out, I always feel like I don't have the right to go home late. The only reason why I always wanted to go out whether I was alone, or with my friends was because I had to isolate myself from home. Was that wrong?
All I ever wanted was to let myself enjoy doing fun things outside with my friends or when I was just alone. 'Yon lang ang bagay na tanging nakakapagpapagaan sa loob ko lalo kapag kasama ko ang mga kaibigan ko o kaya naman ang partner ko, na tanging sa kanila ko lang nahanap ang kapayapaan at kasiyahan.
Aside from that, I have a partner. He's my first boy best friend who is finally my boyfriend. We were together for one year and it was my first relationship with him, still at that moment, we became happy and comfortable with each other. I also knew that my family trusted him for me, that I knew he wouldn't do anything to hurt me, and good thing that my partner proved that to me.
I know that they have trust in him especially when we are always together and I hope... They would also know and understand that I am always safe for as long as I am with him.
Honestly, I am also aware of the things that are going on in our society knowing the news that is spreading because some are missing, and some are even lost. I understand that my family is been worried about me especially when I am going home late, but that was just my kind of isolation when going out with my partner or with my friends. My mom who's always been concerned and worried about my status, I understand her so well.
But it just keeps making me suffocated because it's not a good thing that they will always get mad at me for coming home late at night when I don't do anything wrong outside... I was just trying to isolate myself. Isn't that wrong?
Sometimes, I even wonder If I can already live by myself alone or rather find a new place wherein I can start something new, something where I can find peace on my own.
Something that I can find peace that I have been longing for a long time. But because of my hectic situation, due to financial needs, always gives me a hard time before moving out from this place that feels like a cage I was imprisoned in over the years. I was living in darkness for a long time.
As for me, I hope that they can consider the things including my choices and decisions that I want to make for myself. I may look young but it doesn't mean that I can't do what I want.
It doesn't mean that I am not capable to decide for myself. To do the things I still hope to happen. I hope they won't bring about fear or worries because all my life I've been silent forever and didn't speak up for the things I want to say about.
But this time... I am ready.
I am ready to tell you everything.
The storms finally went on until the sun rose again.
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chapter 2 edited
YOU ARE READING
After The Storm
Short StoryA story of Luna Rye Hope, a young writer who went through ups and downs. How she got through to be able to move forward in all areas of her life.
