The things we never had

Chapter 5

I woke up drenched in sweat. That night had scarred me for life. Physically, I had mostly healed, but mentally, I relived the trauma every night. Every night, I went through the torture. It was always the same event but with different endings. Sometimes I would die. Sometimes I'd end up brain-dead. Other times, I'd be paralyzed. The strange thing was that these alternate endings were actually possible outcomes of my injuries—they had been that severe. It was completely unexpected for me to recover and live a normal life physically, but mentally, I was far from okay.

If I compared myself to who I was a year and a bit ago, before the incident, I was unrecognizable. I used to be bubbly, full of joy. Now, I was just... less. A shell of who I used to be, so close to caving in. Every negative thing felt like it added a small crack, and soon I knew I would shatter. I knew I needed help; otherwise, the consequences would be nasty.

My brother was in intense therapy. He made it look easy, and I tried to follow his lead, but whenever I sat down and they waited for me to speak, it felt like my mouth was glued shut. I couldn't make a sound. Sometimes, I couldn't even move. The pain of saying it out loud felt too overwhelming, so why bother? Why put myself through unnecessary suffering when I could just get by, surviving night after night?

I turned around to check the time and winced when I saw my phone. It looked so out of place in this luxury room—cracked and beaten up, definitely not fitting in. Ignoring it for now, I checked the time. Shit! I thought it was the next day already, but I was shocked that I had slept so long. Usually, I was too paranoid to sleep for more than four hours a night, constantly afraid someone would come and "finish the job." Every creak and crack in the flats would wake me up. But now? I'd slept for nearly 13 hours. It was 8 a.m. the next morning. I must've made things massively inconvenient for everyone.

Not really knowing what to do, I texted Will, letting him know I was awake. Will was always an early riser, while I was usually a late sleeper—or at least I used to be. He responded almost immediately: Ok, Grey's coming up to get you. I texted back, What have you been up to? He replied, Lol, just walked around until I eventually found the kitchen. I texted back, Lol, of course you did. Just as I hit send, there was a knock on the door—Grey, I assumed.

"Come in!" I shouted, and he entered, saying, "Good morning." I looked him up and down. Who the hell is fully dressed at 8 a.m.? Apparently, Grey. I asked, "Do I need to get dressed?" He smiled and replied, "You don't have to, but most of us are." I nodded and said, "Wait here." I jumped out of bed, went into the closet, and pulled out some Nike Pros, a t-shirt, socks, and underwear. I quickly closed the door, got changed, and threw on some mascara and brow gel. My hair was a mess, I quickly brushed through it.

I took a deep breath, preparing myself for whatever today would bring.

I left the closet, never thought I'd say it, but now it  felt a bit weird. Grey smiled and walked me out of the room. "How'd you sleep? You nearly slept for 13 hours," he said. "Good, I guess. I hadn't slept in a while," I replied, not really wanting to get into it. He picked up on that and switched topics. "How was life in the UK?" he asked. I shrugged, a bit surprised by the question. "It was okay, I guess. I liked my school though—I had lots of friends and knew pretty much everyone in my year." "Oh," he said, "so you were popular." I smiled. "Kind of, but I wasn't one of those bitchy, dramatic ones. I guess people just liked that I was nice and pretty chill." He smiled and then, with sudden seriousness, asked, "Any boyfriends?" I laughed—he reminded me of Will. "Yes, I had one, but we broke up a while ago. This year, though." He frowned. "I hope nothing funny happened." I smiled, shaking my head. "Eww, no thanks. I'm saving all that for later." "No, you aren't," he said. I wasn't sure if he was being serious or not, but I just laughed it off.