You're Not Gay

Breaking Free From Doubts

As-Salam Alaikum

Hello, my name is Bilal, and I'm a 17-year-old senior high school student.

This story is a personal and transformative journey of self-discovery, where I finally uncover the truth about my identity and realize that I'm not gay. Please note that this narrative isn't a romantic tale between two males, but rather a heartfelt exploration of my thoughts, emotions, and experiences

I've been living with my uncle since I embraced Islam a few years ago. Some might wonder why I chose this path; the truth is, I deeply admire the religion and its way of life. I'm proud to be a Muslim today, and I've found solace in the teachings of the Quran.

Although some individuals distanced themselves from me after my conversion, I've come to realize that they weren't genuine friends.

I've three brothers, one sister and my lovely mom. My father passed away when I was 11 years old

As the school social prefect - a position I've held for three years, and soon to be four - I spend most of my time in the library or school offices, providing guidance and support to students who need it.

My daily routine has become somewhat monotonous, but I prefer it that way. I find solace in solitude, often using my time to reflect on my thoughts and emotions. I also spend most of my days at school doing therapy sessions with students who need my help, but I've chosen not to discuss these sessions in my book due to confidentiality. 

I've always had a certain allure that draws women to me, but this charm has also led to relentless speculation about my sexual orientation. Many assume I'm gay or maybe bisexual and that constant whispers have kept me up at night, wrestling with feelings of inadequate and self doubt. The weight of their suspicious has been crushing at times, making me question my own identify and sense of self.

My family loves me unconditionally, but I sense that some of them harbor doubts about my orientation. They know me as an outspoken and idealistic person who speaks my mind without fear of judgement. If I were indeed gay, I would have declared it long ago, unapologetically and without hesitation. I've never been one to shy away from expressing myself, and I believe in being true to oneself, no matter the cost.

But the truth is, I've struggled with these suspicious, and the pain runs deep. When I discovered that my behavior was considered Haram or forbidden in the eyes of Allah, I felt like my existence was being rejected. The Quran teaches that a man should not act effeminately. I couldn't understand why being myself was deemed unacceptable

The realization was devastating, it plunged me into a deeper depression. I felt like I was living a lie, like I was somehow broken or flawed. The weight of that realization was suffocating making it hard to breathe, hard to sleep, hard to exist. But I knew I couldn't keep living in the shadows, hiding my true self from the world

I've always been a bit of a loner, content with my own company and I take a long time to consider someone a true friend

Despite my efforts I've found it challenging to form close bond with other, especially boys. It's not that I don't want friendship, but rather, they don't seem to want mine. And I'm okay with that. I've grown accustomed to being alone, and I've learned to appreciate the quiet moments of reflection

The few friends I do have are mostly girls, and I cherish those relationships deeply. They've accepted me for who I'm, without judgment or expectations. And I've come to realize that having few friends isn't a bad thing, especially for someone like me who values depth over quantity

Infact,  it's quite surprising that I've any friends at all, given my introverted nature. But I suppose that's what makes these relationships so special -they're genuine, meaningful and hard-won

However, as I began writing this book, I found solace in the words flowing onto the page. Each chapter was like a balm of my soul, healing the wounds of self doubts and fear. I knew that sharing my story would be liberating, but also potentially risky. Some might condemn my book as Haram and others might not want to associated with it

That's why I've chosen to keep names anonymous, except for my own. I want to protect the privacy of those who have played a significant role in my journey. And I want to acknowledge the boy who entered my life and helped me see myself in a new light. His presence marked a turning point and I'm grateful for his impact

This story is a personal and transformative journey of self discovery, where I finally uncover the truth about my identity and realized that I'm not that guy I thought I was.

It's essential to not this narrative isn't a romantic tale between two males, but rather a heartfelt exploration of my thoughts, emotions and experiences

I hope you'll find my story engaging, despite my tendency to be verbose. Please feel free to comment and point out errors, as your feedback will help me improve my writing. Your support means the world to me.