Jack Dawkins One Shots

Let Me Love Her

I finished the last stitch on the man's amputation without a single word to those around me. I washed my hands of the blood and tossed my apron into the laundry box. I didn't check in on any patients, or anyone really. I just turned tail and went up to my room shutting the door as I undid my waistcoat flopping down on my bed with a sigh.

I had been like this... for a long while now. I'd lost any love I used to have for my job, not after what happened. I don't care, I do my work I get paid and that's it. I don't bother to spare a thought for any of them anymore, what's the point of it?

Ever since Belle died... I didn't care, I didn't want to do anything anymore. But it was the terms of my probation, I had to do my job or face the noose for what I did. There were days I wish I had just taken the noose the day she died...

At least I'd be with her.

I hated doing much of anything anymore, drinking, poker, stealing, surgery everything had lost any spark it used to have in me.

I felt like I didn't deserve to be happy... after all, it was my stupid fault.

I lay watching the ceiling for hours, only going down to do any work when Hetty called me to, which she wasn't exactly thrilled about. My fingers sat as they often did rolling the blade between my fingers.

It was hers... unofficially, but always the one she picked to use, I think the handle fit her little fingers, or maybe the blade was just how she liked I don't know... never really got a chance to ask her. But It was the blade from the surgeon's knife Belle always used tied with a noose not around my neck as it had been since she died.

Every so often the blade will rub or slide against my skin just so, to cut my skin leaving me with skin scared by thousands of cuts in the centre of my chest just below my collar bones. I never bothered to bandage them or anything... I may as well bleed, at least then I can feel something.

The door opened and in stepped a heavily pregnant Hetty, she waddled over and sat on the bed beside my legs.

"Come in I guess," I rolled my eyes a little,

"You can't lay around here forever Jack," She says resting her hand on her bump, "It's been three years."

"I know. I've been counting." I glared,

"You can't keep doing this, The patients-"

"I don't care." I snapped, "Rules are, I do my job and I can't skip town. So that's it bare minimum,"

She sighed, "I know you loved her," she said tenderly, "But this isn't healthy for you, for her memory, you know Belle wouldn't want you laying around feeling sorry for yourself for the rest of your life."

"Wouldn't she."

"No. She wouldn't, she'd want you balls deep in medical textbooks, practising new techniques on cadavers every day, Belle would want you pushing medical science to the brink of everything anyone knows and even further beyond... and you know she would."

I quickly changed the subject, mostly cause I knew she was right. "Aren't nurses meant to have pleasant bedside manners?"

"Aren't Doctor's meant to go their jobs?" She glared back,

I sighed and didn't answer.

"Regardless new girl starts tomorrow,"

"Yippie," I said sarcastically,

"Jack. Try and be nice to her."

"That was nice,"

"I'm serious, Lisa will take up my nursing duties and This new girl will be doing paperwork and organization." She explained,