Jack Dawkins One Shots

Lapis Heart P2

The moment I returned to our home the pain hit me, seeing all the unfinished things Y/n had planned to do, the half made dinner, and the half made nursery, the bed left unmade, the books left on side tables, it reminded me that she was supposed to be there with us, it was another stab in the heart, the pain still raw and fresh. I carefully cradled Orion against me, still holding Y/n's necklace in my other hand, my mind still replaying her final words to me.

I spent the night sitting by his crib, watching his every breathe, every whimper, I didn't trust myself to sleep, afraid something could happen to him if I closed my eyes, not to mention the moment there wasn't a little baby moving in the crib my mind would immediately go to thoughts of Y/n and how she would never see him grow up, or see him become a toddler, or a boy, I was all he has now. I spent the time in a mixture of grief, anxiety, and fear, worrying about little Orion, not to mention the constant thought of Y/n, the thoughts of her voice and smile haunted my mind, every time I closed my eyes I saw her face and heard her voice, and I had to force my eyes open again, staring down at Orion's crib, watching him, listening to his soft breaths and occasional cries

I did try and sleep, trying but failing, the scent on her side of the bed enough to bring tears,

I felt the same in our room, her side of the bed still smelt faintly of her hair and perfume, every time I inhaled, her scent hit my nose, and it just reminded me of how she should be lying there beside me, curled up against me like she always did and I wept... more so then I had ever cried unable to stop.

I was at my limit, the days had turned to weeks, and the pain hadn't gotten any better, on top of the pain and grief, I was exhausted from the lack of sleep, my nerves were completely shot, and as much as I loved Orion, and as much as I knew it was just a baby doing what a baby does, his crying was constantly grating on my mind, it was constant, and I was at my breaking point. I gently picked him up and tried to soothe him, gently rocking him in my arms, my own eyes stinging with tears and exhaustion, my body aching for sleep, and my mind was racing, my thoughts a mess of grief, trauma, and exhaustion, I couldn't deal with the crying anymore

"STOP IT PLEASE! PLEASE for the love of god just stop!" I screamed and just like that Orion stopped

The moment Orion stopped I felt a wave of guilt instantly wash over me, my heart dropping into my stomach, it was the first time Orion had actually stopped since he started crying, and the only reason was because I had just shouted at him I immediately began to rock him, gently stroking his head, trying to soothe him and calm him down again, feeling sick with myself as I thought about what I had done, my own tears welling up as I gently shushed him

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, don't cry, I'm sorry, it's gonna be alright, you're ok, shhh don't cry" I gently tried to soothe him, my own voice cracking

I continued to gently shush him as he began to quiet down again, thankfully I hadn't made him more upset as I gently held him against my chest, my nose buried in his hair, the guilt eating me alive at the realisation that I had just shouted at a baby. I gently sat down in the chair beside the crib, one hand gently supporting Orion's head, and the other stroking his body, gently soothing him now that he had settled down, my own guilt and shame hanging over me as I whispered apologies quietly, my voice shaky

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to yell at you, I'm sorry, I'm just tired..shhhh" I cooed, "I'm so tried... and I miss your mother... so so much." I sat there, cradling little Orion against my chest and staring down at his little head, my eyes stinging with tears as I spoke quietly to him, my heart heavy with grief and guilt "I know little guy, I know... I miss her so much as well...and I'm so tired, I'm so, so tired" I gently brushed my fingers across Orion's head and back, my breathing shuddering for a moment as I struggled to keep my own emotions in check and hold back my tears "I'm sorry I raised my voice...I'm just... tired... I promise I'll be better" I gently stroked his head, the guilt hanging in the back of my mind.