Post Mockingjay Story Cuz I Need This

Just That

You still have those tissues? It's okay if you don't, I went out and bought so more.

I need them for these damned summer allergies. Free Zyrtec for all that need it too.

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I finally wake up from my horrific nightmare. But it was only horrific because it's all true. It is reality. Everything that's happened to me and to those kids are all my fault. My fault for not doing enough. My fault for not doing a good enough job at protecting them like I should have. Everything is my fault.

I put my head in my hands because I need something to hold it up. I can feel tears streaming down my face. I grab another bottle of liquor but I freeze.

How will this end? I keep drinking to push away the nightmares, the thoughts, the pain. But they'll just find their way back to me anyway.

I can't do anything.

No matter what I do I can't get rid of them. No matter how much I drink they'll be there the next day and the day after that and the day after that till I die.

So why don't I?

What have I done to deserve life?

I've only brought pain and suffering to Katniss and Peeta. I've made their lives a living hell. All the kids before them have died because I didn't help them enough. I wasn't a good mentor and I killed them all. All of their deaths are on my head because they hadn't been prepared enough by me.

I don't deserve to live.

I drop my bottle, its contents spilling out in a puddle on the floor but I don't care. I walk to my room. It looks just like the rest of the house, messy and disgusting, like me. I kneel down by my bed and pull out a safe. Inside the safe is a gun that I have kept for several different purposes. One being so that when I was ready, I could finally end it.

I put it in my robe's large inside pocket.

I walk back into the living room and grab a bottle. Might as well get a few last ones in while I'm at it, right? I chug it down, the burning fluid both making me more focused for a second and then blurring my vision slightly. I feel dizzy and the whole room swirls after I think about what I'm going to do. I drink another bottle first then put the gun to my temple.

But I still have one last thing to do.

I open my door and trip. A bottle that was right in front of it.

I think I say, "Motherfucker!" but I honestly can't hear myself.

When I get back up the whole world starts spinning and I start to see things.

A bright pink bird.

Berries.

Peeta and Katniss.

Wait, are they here? They're crying too and they look so mad.

It's all my fault.

My sober and drunk conscience collided to form the truth. My last thoughts.

It's all my fault.

I can't tell the difference between the hallucinations and what's really there. There are two Peetas. One is standing looking concerned. The other is on his knees, clutching his head, crying. He's screaming now.

Why Haymitch?! Why would you do this to me?!

The same goes for Katniss except her second is slightly different. She's standing, crying, and yelling at me.

You left him! You left him and now he's gone!

"No, no, no. I'm sorry. I'm sorry! I didn't mean to! PLEASE!!!!" I've fallen before them.

I should be dead.

I did this to them.

It's all my fault.

"I'M SORRY!!! IT'S ALL MY FAULT!!! I'M SORRY!!!" I temporarily forgot where I put it, but I found it eventually. The gun. I start to see doubles of my own arms. One is pointing the gun to my temple. The other, to my forehead. They're both so shaky.

I can't yell anymore. My voice hurts so I whisper to them.

"I'm so sorry I failed at protecting you both. My beautiful, kind boy. My beautiful, stubborn girl. I'm so sorry at fucking up like I always do."

And then I finally pull the trigger.

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Bliss?

Peace?

My final ending?

Why do I not feel these things?

My ear hurts like hell and it feels like I'm drowning. My breathing feels struggled. I can't see anything. So where am I?

Heaven?

Hell?

The end?

Or am I even dead?

I better be. I can't go through, say all of that, and not get my fucking ending already. Why would life want me? I haven't done anything for anyone except serve them shit on a silver platter.

Why won't this just end already?

Just...end...

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It feels like it's been years. Years that I've been drowning. Years that my ear has been a pain in the ass.

But I can start to feel other things.

I can hear a beeping.

I smell weird chemicals.

I feel...a bed?

I struggle to open my eyes but when I do what I see upsets me.

I'm in a hospital room.

I'm still alive.

I look around the room and see my beautiful blond boy.

Peeta. His hair looks ruffled like he has been dragging his fingers through them countless times and in different directions each time. He's looking down at the floor in a chair that's on the wall diagonal from the bed. His eyes look slightly red at the edges like he's been crying and have purple underneath them. He must not have slept. I don't understand why though.

He notices that I'm up and rushes to the chair.

"You're awake," he starts to cry. My heart that I constantly forget I have, starts to hurt in a pain much worse than any physical way. It feels like someone is squeezing it and it makes me want to cry as well.

"Come here, kiddo," I motion for him to sit on the bed and he does so. His cries remind me of when he would sob, curled up on the bed in District 13. Every time he did so I had to restrain the impulse to run in there and hold him. Later on, I didn't have to and I don't have to now. So I take him in my arms and hold his head to my chest. I just need to hold him. Protect him from the world like I should have. Protect him from the pain.

He continues to sob and I let him. As I hold him in my arms I'm hit once again-with the realization that I have often-just how much I love this boy. I love him so much I would do anything to protect him. I love him like he's my son. He's been through so much, lost so much, suffered so much. He needs someone to be there for him. He's only ever had a father and even he was taken away from him. He needs someone to love him like a father.

And I will always do just that.

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Hope you liked this chapter! I got a bit teary making it too, but I saved the tissues for you guys instead. :D

Just kidding, it's okay if you didn't cry. But if you did, I hope you all know that there's nothing wrong with it. We can't control our emotions any better than the next person, and if we need to cry that's okay.

Alright, my preciouses, have a good day!