Sins of the Flesh

Chapter 15 Cole

Six days since I have heard from Caleb, I am losing my mind! The swirling thoughts in my head have my emotions going all over the place. One minute, I am confident in the fact that Caleb loves me, and then I remember his strong sense of duty. Will he choose his family over me? Can I fault him if he did?

I stayed away from the church all week for fear of what I would find or not find, for that matter. Would he be there and act cold and distant? Would his wife be there wanting to bury me in a fresh grave in the church cemetery? Is it weird that I can't decide which of the two would be worse?

On top of all the turmoil, I have had to act like everything is fine. Yes, I am out to my mom, but can she forgive me for hooking up with her married priest and possibly breaking up his marriage? Would she hate me for it?

Ugh! After six days I am sick to death of thinking. I need to talk to Caleb, but I don't know when it is safe or even if it is safest at all, for that matter. So I decided to go to mass. The one place I know he will be, and even if it's the last time, I have to see him and get some clue about where we stand. If there is even a, we left.

On Sunday, I enter the church with Mom. We sit next to each other in a pew near the front of the church, awaiting mass. The church has about 140 in the congregation on any given Sunday. Today, it feels packed to capacity. The tension I feel is projected around me in a thick, suffocating haze.

The Choir starts a hymn. Everybody stands, and I stand with them out of respect, though I don't know the song that they are singing.

Caleb steps onto the stage dressed in his usual Sunday attire. But his attire is not what causes a cold chill to run down my spine. It is him walking out hand in hand with his wife and his two kids in tow. He bends to kiss her cheek and walks up to the pulpit.

My stomach is churning, and the ache in my chest makes me feel sick. He has chosen his family, and there is no way I can blame him, but it doesn't stop my heart from breaking into a million pieces. Because, unlike last time, it isn't a lie. The proof is right in front of me.

I debate, leaving until Caleb meets my eyes. His stare is startled at first but warms. And I am held frozen in his gaze as he begins his sermon. "Good morning," Caleb says, his voice loud and clear over the microphone that the ushers had set up on the pulpit. "Good morning," The congregation echoes back.

"This morning, my message is about acceptance and love. It's not often that I announce the lesson before I have taught it. It's almost like telling a joke in reverse punchline first, huh?" Caleb chuckles, and there are titters of laughter throughout the chapel.

"I feel today it is important that we all go into this sermon with a love and acceptance mindset." Caleb is in his element up there, radiating confidence. It is hard not to hang on his every word. "Hebrews 10:24 says, "And let us consider how we may spur one another towards love and good deeds." It doesn't mention that if someone meets a certain criteria, we will spur them. No, it is unconditional like God's love for his children." I am riveted at this point, a thought niggling in the back of my mind.

"Colossians 3:12 says Therefore, as God's chosen people holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves in compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. What do you think this means? It means loving each other with grace and forgiveness. Forgiveness, you ask? Yes, because what is forgiveness if not an act of kindness?" Oh, holy shit, I think, is he?

"We have all read First Corinthians four. It is quoted everywhere as being the purest explanation of love. But have you ever read all the way through? First Corinthians 13:13 reads, and now these three remain faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of these is love." He is glowing as he says, "Love is not a sin, but judgment is."

He pauses, drinking some water from a glass at the pulpit. "I have been living with a new truth, but it is my truth. Some people will judge me for my truth, but I will not judge them based on their opinion. I am gay. This was not my choice, and even before I understood it, I didn't believe it was a choice. I plan on continuing to lead here at Mother of Mercys. I understand if my leadership does not fit your ideal, and you are welcome to move on with my support and love."

Oh my fucking god, he did it. Impressive, but what is he thinking? Did his wife force him to come out? That thought pissed me off. But he looks happy standing up there like a weight has been lifted from his shoulders. Then, his son approaches the pulpit and wraps his arm around his father's shoulders. "I am also gay, and I support my dad."

Ok, is this reality? Am I somehow in a Hallmark movie? Someone stands up to my left. "I'm a lesbian." Caleb nods at her with a smile. A man harumphs. "This is absurd!" He points at Caleb, "You don't deserve to wear that collar. You're an embarrassment to your father and all he accomplished here. I will not stand by..." The man is interrupted by Josh. "Then don't stand by. The door is that way," He says, pointing toward the back of the room. The man and his wife leave angrily.

The room is awash in silence as if no one knows what to do next. Then, several more people get up and head to the doors in a line. Caleb maintains his composure, though I know this must hurt him watching so many people walk out. After several moments, the flow of people stops. An elderly lady then stands. "I support you, Father," she smiles warmly at him.

One by one, people pop up from the crowd, giving words of support. Then, a woman in her sixties stands up. "I support you, father, but also, I have been with my wife, Estelle, in secret for the last 35 years," Estelle rises, waving. "Your bravery here today has finally given me the strength to say it out loud. I'm a lesbian, and I love my wife. Thank you, father."

Applause breaks out throughout the room, and I am overwhelmed. I stand up and freeze in place, nervously shifting from foot to foot until I meet Caleb's eyes, and the love I see in them spurs me on. "I'm gay, and I love you, Caleb," I say, smiling. The gasps around the room cause me to second-guess myself.

Caleb's wife waves her hand at me to come onto the stage. When I do, She pulls me into a hug. "Everything is ok," she says, patting my back. I feel like I must be crazy. She walks to the mic and says, "I support my best friend." She smiles at him, kisses his cheek, and pulls me over.

I stand there a couple of feet from Caleb, wringing my hands, and he closes the distance, wrapping me in a tight hug. "I love you, angel, every minute of every day." he cups my cheeks and kisses me right there in front of God and everyone.