Sins of the Flesh

Chapter 12 Caleb

The guilt over the past week has been drowning me. But as fucked up as it sounds it was not the guilt of what I have been doing to my wife. It's the guilt of what this mess is doing to Cole. His pain was written all over his face, and when I saw him Sunday, it tore me in two. The days worth of stubble. His disheveled hair and clothing. It was apparent he was a wreck. And it was my fault.

The week was hard for me as well. Each day without his touch felt like torture. I need him like I need air, and everything about that is fucked up. Our connection is toxic to both of us. A desire born of sin can't be beautiful, can it?

When we are together, everything feels beautiful. Everything feels right. But last week was proof that I was right. This...us is only going to hurt him. I know I could just give up everything and be with him. But why would he want to be with me? An old man? The sex is out of this world, but that's all it is just...sex. No, not to me. To me, he is everything. My greatest temptation. My sweet surrender. The love of my life.

The thought that I have fallen in love with him terrifies me even more than everything else. He couldn't possibly feel the same about me. And I can't give up everything, knowing I would lose him anyway when he was ready to move on. It's time to end this.

Monday morning, I am not ready for what has to be done. But I know it's for the best, even though the thought of Cole with another man slices through me, causing a sharp, deep ache in my chest. It is a pain I am willing to endure for his health and happiness.

I hear Cole approaching my office, so I take a deep breath. When Cole walks through the doorway, he comes right to me. His lips are on mine, and his frantic hands are already working to unbutton my pants. I push him back with a palm on his chest.

He looks at me with hurt in his eyes. "Why did you stop me?" he asks. "Cole, please sit. We need to talk," I say, trying to mask how much this will hurt. I clear my throat. "Cole, we need to stop what is happening between us." his eyes widen. "What! Why? Did your wife find out?" the fear in his eyes is evident. My wife finding out holds repercussions for both of us. Further proof why this is the right choice.

"No Cole. I am choosing to end it. I shouldn't have even started it." I say flatly. The emotions flowing through his eyes range from sadness to confusion to rage. "What are you talking about, Caleb?" He asks. "D...Did I do something wrong?'" The tremor in his voice opens another crack in my shattering heart.

"No, it's just time. It's run its course. You will find someone who can give you everything you deserve." I tell him the words like acid on my tongue. "I don't want someone else; I want you!" He gets up and kneels in front of me, trying to undo my pants again. "Let me show you what you mean to me," he says, his voice cracking, a tear rolling down his cheek.

"Cole, I love my wife and must honor her." He stares at me incredulous. "Caleb, what am I to you?" He says, lifting off the floor. "Lust Cole an itch to be scratched." Cole rears back and punches me across my cheek, splitting my lip. "Fuck you, Caleb. You fucking coward!" he screams " You know what I think. I think you're a liar. But the person you lie to the most is yourself."

He braces his hands on the arms of my chair, getting right in my face. "I think you're so fucking afraid to be anything more than...than this," He says, gesturing to indicate me and the church.

He kisses me hard, my split lip stinging. "You don't mean what you're saying, but your too fucking scared to be honest" the tremor in his voice is there again. His words are true. Telling him I am in love with him could potentially destroy my entire life. So I don't tell him that; instead, I say, "You want the truth? The truth is you don't mean anything to me." He picks up the glass of water on my desk and tosses it in my face, throwing the glass to the floor. As he walks out the door, he punches a picture of Jesus, shattering it.

I hear the front door close and his truck rumble to life, speeding away. I let out a mournful sob. The grief is so profound I feel like my heart has been ripped from my chest. "I'm so sorry, angel," I whisper in broken sobs to no one.

Cole doesn't return to the church for the rest of the week. The place that was once my sanctuary is now a silent tomb. My wife told me she is going out of town with her sister starting Wednesday through Monday, so at least I do not have to pretend I'm not dying inside.

I close down the church for confession and spend the remainder of the week and Saturday staring at a blank television while I drink from a bottle of Jack Daniels. On Friday, I'm so drunk I call Cole and confess my sins.

"This is Cole. Leave a message. I'll get back to you as soon as I can." Coles's voicemail beeps. "Hi Cole," I slur, "It's good you didn't answer. It makes what I want to say easier. I'm a fucking liar." My voice breaks. "You were right, but I wasn't lying to myself. I was lying to you," I say with a slurred sob. "The real truth is I love you so fucking much I can't feel happy without you," another sob. "But I was scared. I'm just a dirty old man. How could you love me? Why would you want me?" I shudder. "I'm in love with you, angel, but I pushed you away because you deserve everything I can't give you, and now," I giggle and hiccup. "Now my heart is so fucking broken I can't breathe," I laugh. "I know I deserve it. I just miss you," I sob again. "I'm so sorry I lied to you." the beep sounds, and the line goes dead.