Deaths Fate

Chapter Six

My body and mind felt sore, like I had competed in a very physical and mental marathon and lost. I didn't know how long I would feel like this or when I would start to feel better. I knew it would not be anytime soon, if it would ever happen again in this lifetime. Why did life have to be so complicated and burdensome? I ran my hand across my face aggressively, seeing little spots fill my vision.

For five minutes when I had been with that stranger, I had for a moment felt an ounce of normality. I felt emotions that I had not felt before, I felt like I could breathe normally and that I didn't have to be on guard. He was a dangerous person that I could not be around, that I didn't need to be around. If I ever saw him in the future I needed to run in the opposite direction and stay as far away from him as possible. I still didn't understand how I had seen him twice in two days. Grand Rapids was a bustling city with hundreds of thousands of people and I just happened to run into him twice when I inadvertently had been put into danger?

I groaned loudly, smacking myself on the forehead. Stupid, stupid Izabol.

I flipped over onto my side, trying to get more comfortable on the couch, using one of my arms to prop my head up. I had been lying on my couch for the last twenty minutes, in a state of disrepair. I no longer felt safe leaving my house because what if I ran into him again? Once or twice we could say was an accident but if it happened a third time it would be an ironic twist of fate.

The emptiness that I had felt return earlier was ebbing at my insides, clawing and pulling, to the point that I started to feel like I would throw up. I pulled my knees up against my chest, tightly holding myself together as if this would be enough to keep me from falling apart. Now that I had experienced even a sliver of what it felt like to not feel empty, it was gnawing at me in an almost excruciating way. Even with the AC system going, cooling my apartment off, I felt trickles of sweat bead on my forehead.

I was fighting an imaginary battle that only I could see and feel. My throat clenched up and I let out a few gasps, pushing my head against the softness of my thighs. I needed to just hold on for a little while longer. My hands tightened around my legs and I could feel my nails digging into the fabric of my sweatpants and into my flesh. The pain was a welcome relief as it took some of the pressure from my chest.

My gasps had soon turned into full blown sobs as I struggled to breathe and hold onto my emotions. The silent room was soon filled with the sound of my ragged wailing, the volume increasing with each gasp that left my mouth. Every breath shook my body forcefully, my head smacking into my legs with each movement. The tears burned as they streaked down the side of my face falling onto the velvet couch. I was grateful my landlord was never home, because he would have been scared at the noises that he heard from his roof.

The sounds that came from my throat sounded inhuman, monstrous even, maybe it was because I was barely human. I had lost my humanity when I was only a child. When I was supposed to be innocent and carefree, it was all taken from me, and everything since then has just been a reminder of it. I lost everything.

I had no idea how long I had laid there curled up, crying but soon my throat was hoarse and my tears had dried up. This fight had taken the rest of my strength out of me and I was so tired. I kept my eyes closed, trying to focus on evening my breaths out. Maybe I needed to take a nap to recuperate. I let my breaths even out as much as they could, and forced myself to relax while still holding my legs into my chest. Trying to let sleep take over.

I looked around me, I was in a garden in what had to be the middle of a forest. Large oak trees sprung up on every side of me, keeping just the garden free of trees, and instead there were brightly coloured flowers of every type in full bloom. All of the fragrances were mingling together. It was a beautiful sight, I had never seen something so perfect.