Short Stories [CountryHumans]

Cheese (2001)

A/N: I remember starting a fic with the quote, but I genuinely forgot writing the rest of it.

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"How can you govern a country which has 246 varieties of cheese" - Charles de Gaulle

"You may think you've won, Germany," France slammed her fist onto the table, "But you are just ignorant."

The Hall of the United Nations' Headquarters was mostly empty, and only a few countries sat at the long tables, mostly doing paperwork, or watching the intense debate unfold between France and Germany.

Germany looked at her, his disbelief evident.

"I'm right though, aren't I?" He turned to Italy, clearly expecting his friend to back him up.

"One word, Germany," France grinned "Munster" Germany visibly flinched. Munster was definitely up there when it came to cheese.

"She's got you there." Italy commented, as Germany tried and failed to argue that, being from Alsace, it could count as partially German.

"Oh, but not you?" Germany asked, realising no-one was buying it.

Italy looked down at the slice of Caciocavallo in his hand. It had been what had started this argument in the first place.

"..." He took a bite, leaving a delicate pause in the conversation.

He looked back up at Germany.

"Oh, you're serious." He snickered. He gestured over to France "You think my nation doesn't have better cheeses than her's?" Italy didn't even bother to counter the point, as if simply stating plainly what Germany had implied was enough to reveal the utter ridiculousness of the statement.

"We have an entire cavern of cheese in Missouri." America chipped in, "S'like, billions of cheese wheels stashed there. And we make the most in the world."

Germany fixed him with a pitying look as France shook her head as if America had just embarrassed himself greatly.

Italy reached over and patted him on the shoulder.

"You try your best," he said.

"Hey, my cheese isn't that bad - we don't just have the hyper-processed stuff!" America attempted to defend his nation against the judgement of the three overlords of the cheese world, but they callously ignored him.

"What about you Britain, are you going to defend your nation's cheeses?" France looked over at Britain, who was typing up some report or other. Britain looked up.

"Our Cheese," Britain seemed to consider her words carefully, a necessity, given how France was tapping the hilt of the sword she definitely was not supposed to have in HQ, "May not be the best. Or made in the largest quantities. But it certainly is the fastest."

Germany, France and Italy looked at each other, and nodded that, yes, that was a fair victory to allow the UK, because cheese rolling as a sport was hilarious and, frankly, "cheese speed" was a metric none of them cared about excelling in.

"My nation's cheeses are as good as the rest of yours," Netherlands said, because they apparently applied "doe normaal" to cheese as well.

"Nah, mine are definitely better." Greece said, either because she genuinely felt strongly over her cheese or because she wanted to cause chaos.

"Greece, feta is not the victory you think it is," France said, crossing her arms.

"It absolutely is, besides, we have other cheeses and they're all better than yours-" Greece said, with such a degree of (faux) sincerity France looked like she might strangle her for daring to say anything so blatantly wrong.

"I think we can all agree that all our cheeses are the best, " EU interrupts, leaning on the door frame.

The Cheese-debaters looked at him blankly. Italy returned to finishing his lunch.

"Does anyone know where the C-10 incident report ended up?" France asked.

"I think someone's already taken it out," Germany said, returning to the file he'd been reading.

The countries returned back to their work, cheese discussion abruptly ended and EU thoroughly ignored.

America gave the dejected union a sympathetic smile.

"I think the sentiment was a bit too cheesy for them," he said.

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A/N: poor EU, the countries just can't handle his sappiness. Also, non-feta Greek cheeses include Kasseri and Mastelo. Caciocavallo is a funny shaped Southern Italian cheese that is very nice.