Another Blank Page (Who Am I?)

...Be Still and Trust

August 22, 2024

12:49AM

Zamboanga City, Philippines

Yes, I'm back in the Philippines and right now I really feel stupid. Yes, stupid. I was already in Chile. I already found a place where I felt happy and where I felt like myself, but because I can't stay still and trust in the process, I'm back in the Philippines. I don't know if I'll ever be able to go back to Chile and claim my permanent visa or just start all over again from scratch.

Weeks ago I was in Temuco, Chile. A place where I have been staying for about 5 months. It was a smaller city than Concepcion, where I have been staying for the previous year with my ex-husband and our other two friends.

Temuco is where I found a job that I truly, ultimately love. I was an English native speaker at a university and what do I do? Just have conversations with English major students in English. Yes, we talk. We simply talk about anything and everything under the sun. That's also where I met my very amazing co-workers who are very supportive and caring. And that's also where I met the passion I've been missing in my relationships.

I was truly happy and contented there but there was something wrong. I don't know why--Or maybe I do--but I don't want to acknowledge it. I think I need to heal parts of me that I haven't healed from yet and maybe my mind thought it should start where I started, my family, my hometown, my home country. And deny it all I want, thoughts so strong kept waking me up at night. I started not being able to eat, to sleep, and to relax when I'm alone.

I sense things, voices, felt pain and felt these undeniable presence that's so overwhelming and overpowering telling me I don't have much time left. I was given an ultimatum. I always felt like I'm about to die, or that the world is ending, and the thought of who I want to be with when everything ends kept on ringing in my head. So, I asked for help to come back home. It was a sudden decision. I was reckless again! And during those times there was also this voice, so small, drown by the strong and tsunami waves of voices. It told me to "Breathe. Be Still.", but did I listen? No.

And now I'm regretting. I only have a few months left to get my permanent visa when I came back home. My ex was so good to let me borrow money to buy me my ticket home, and he even came with me until Manila. He really made an effort even after everything we went through.

And here I am again, thinking that maybe if I get some money I can still go back to Chile to get my permanent visa and do what I love again.

But then again, that teeny tiny voice is whispering... "Stay still". Maybe this time, I should listen to that small voice and trust in my faith of someone higher out there.