The sim training didn't follow the same schedule as stage one had. We entered the sim every alternate day, regardless of weekends. In a way, I preferred it. The daybreak in between sounded wonderful, especially after having just finished my first go. To get our minds off tomorrow, we had decided to do something fun as a group. That fun activity turned out to be rock climbing. The pit appropriately named was a lowered space within the rock and, as such, had plenty of rock faces that Dauntless were always climbing on dares or just for fun. Despite being a faction based around the belief of freedom from fear, we were not stupid, and as such, most of the climbing was usually done with equipment. Due to this, I was now decked out in ropes and pulleys feeling less and less like this was a good idea. Delphi, obviously sensing
my apprehension with her weird, caring senses pulled me aside. "You know I left my jacket in the barracks, and it's kind of cold."
It was sweet of her, I knew she was giving me an out without making me have to admit I was feeling nervous, still, I wasn't scared, just a little unsure. Shrugging off my own jacket, I placed it
over her shoulders and gave her a silent pat in thanks before heading back to clip on the last of my ropes. Kali and I were actually the only ones climbing, the others having what amounted to a picnic
with Archie happily narrating our progress underneath us. "Kali grabs the wrong bit of rock and immediately draws back, blood staining her now injured palm, tough luck Kali." I looked over to her at Archie's words, checking to see if she was alright, we were attached together for safety, so if she fell, I would have to get a grip and quickly.
Thankfully, she was fine, and after a nod from her, we continued. It was therapeutic, climbing. I'd always loved it, having taken to worming my way up and down the exterior of buildings in the city when I was still in Candor.
The actual rock climbing was different, though. The rocks had more of a connection with me through them, I could touch every groove and find the smallest of notches to cling to. The rock
face we were climbing was one of the easier parts, having decided to start small. and as such. there was only one part where we had to climb upside down and upwards. Putting one hand in front of the other, I could feel the events of Mondy washing away, the sound of mine and Kali's pants paired with occasional grunts and the distant sound of life from the pit, it was freeing, and I felt a weight lift from my chest. A jolt on my body jerked me into action, and I clung tightly to the wall, a beat passed.
"Sorry!" Kali's sheepish voice carried up to me, and I relaxed a false alarm. I never looked back down too focused on continuing upwards. It wasn't until I had reached the ledge that stuck out that I
decided to pause and wait for Kali. It wasn't long, as she wasn't far below me. She came up on my right side, and I threw her a grin. "You wanna go first, or should I?"
"Race you?"
I answered her by reaching up and using my arms to pull my knees upward, so I was hanging by my arms in a ball from the underside of the ledge. Kali had a slightly different technique. She
dug her toes into the part where the flatter rockface met the ledge and used her fingertips to walk herself further out. Her technique was good, but it wouldn't work for long. She would have to take her feet off the wall eventually, and I was already far ahead. I had gone for a method of finding a grip with my hands and using my feet on the ledge where I could hook into other ones, I never held for long just by my hands. It wasn't stable enough. I hung like a spider to the rock and made my way further out.
"Motherfucker!" I let the curse out in surprise as one of my hand holds broke away and the rock fell clattering down the cliff face, onto the ground. I followed the rock as it fell, and the sudden sight of being far higher than I imagined caused my stomach to contract painfully.
"You all good Persie?"
I turned my face back to the rock, and let out a deep breath, "I'm good." I snuck a glance down again and let out a string of internal curses. I didn't know why I was reacting the way I was. I was fine, one slip up didn't mean I should be getting so anxious, besides I loved heights I always had, so why was I feeling so. Afraid. The realisation hit me like a ton of bricks and my stomach flipped again. I was afraid. Why was I afraid? I was fine.
"Persie?" Kali was now next to me and I realised I was still having from the same spot. Deciding I would be fine after I reached the top. I threw her a reassuring smile and continued on my path. I thought once I started to move again the feeling of serenity and calm would return, but it didn't, instead my heart jumped into my throat every time I heard the rock shift, my lungs sped up, the experience was no longer fun. I didn't think about racing Kali to the top, I was now racing myself. We did make it to the top without falling, and then we went back down to the pit to join the others in the picnic. Archie commented about my lucky misses and I pretended to be outraged that nature would betray me like that, but my heart wasn't in it. I laughed and joked with them, happy they were all feeling better from yesterday, but the memory of them so far below me never went far away and the sick feeling remained.
"You are distracted, Kore."
It wasn't a question and it caused me to throw down the knife in frustration. Kevin was right, I knew I had been off my game, not much could affect my focus but the events from earlier today were weighing on my mind and I just couldn't figure it out. "Sorry. I just-" I let out a frustrated noise and tugged at my hair."Talk to me little one, I will listen." One look at Kevin's face and I knew he would. Plopping down on the floor and spreading out so I stared at the stone roof I started to speak. It was easier when I couldn't see him. "I went rock climbing today. With my friends in the pit, well with one friend, the others didn't really want to do it. And I was fine-" I stressed the word "-but when I looked down. It was like... It was like I was afraid.-"
"Perhaps heights is one of your fears, Kore, it is not something to stress about everybody has fears."
I pulled my head up to look at him then "-But that's the thing I don't get afraid of heights Kevin. I have never been afraid of heights before" I pondered my own words "-Maybe... maybe it was
the fear simulation training, maybe it's made me more susceptible to-"
Kevin cut me off "You fell Little Kore, you fell a long way down."
His words cut me deep as I realised he was right, I had fallen down the chasm, that was probably a reason to become afraid of heights. Then the anger hit . How dare Thaddeus make me afraid, how dare he! Snapping my jaw shut with determination I pushed myself up so I could fully face my trainer,
"How do I fix it?"
He queried a long eyebrow "You wish to stop being afraid?"
"Yes.""There is no one in the world who can make us do anything that we do not allow. If you are afraid it is because you let yourself be. Sometimes it is not easy as all to stop letting yourself be afraid, and those fears cannot be changed,"
I was curious "Well how do I not let myself be afraid?"
"If you want to try, you must expose yourself to your fear and learn to calm your mind. It is how they train you in the simulations." He was right, to pass the sim you had to find a way past your fear or calm down enough for your heart rate to slow.
An idea hit me, "Thanks, Kevin!" Bounding up I bolted for the door, before pausing, "Oh sorry, can I go?" I gestured to the forgotten knife "I'll do more training on Thursday."
He chuckled, gesturing dismissively to the door, "It is unlikely you are to be focused enough to improve much more today. Go on."
I didn't pay much attention to the walk back to the pit, my feet guiding me after many days of learning the path from Kevin's. I made it to the pit and wove in between the drunken members, it was late in the evening now and prime time for partying, as posed to the slower drinking during the day. I chuckled to myself at the thought, god the hectic life of Dauntless was so different . Even not a full member I still felt like part of the faction. I got to the rock climbing gear but didn't stay long, bundling it up and making my way back out. I walked along the railless path, the moon flashing through the natural skylines, I shivered at the familiar scene and clutched the ropes tighter to my chest, my pace quickened slightly. The spot I was looking for came into sight and I dumped the gear at my feet, standing on the edge.I didn't look down like last time, and I didn't move from the edge. Everything in me was screaming to turn around, to not have my back exposed but I stayed there until the feeling went numb. I hadn't seen Thaddeus recently and as such the nerves in my stomach, were going haywire, still, I waited. I wasn't trying to be stupid by tempting fate, rather I wanted to trust my senses and my instincts, that night before I had fallen, I had been training and knew someone was watching me. I had ignored my instincts and ultimately paid the price. I was always going to be afraid if I could never teach myself to trust in those feelings again. And so I waited. A good few minutes passed before my shoulders dropped and the tension in my arms released. When it happened I bent down and hooked up all the gear to myself. I didn't plan to climb down the chasm. It was too slippery, no one knew where I was and I didn't have anything to attach the other part of the gear to. But I did put it on, the purpose was so I could bring back the feeling of apprehension that had happened when I did the same thing earlier today. Sure enough, the nerves returned. And I waited. I was sure the tests weren't perfect and to be honest I wasn't even sure if they would work, but every time I felt my shoulders drop and I increased the fear by moving forward or doing a jump, I tensed and then waited until I relaxed again. It certainly felt like I was helping myself, and I figured if I did it a few more times, I would desensitize myself to the memory of the situation. Because that's what it was, I was afraid of a memory, nothing more. That night I drew up a list. A list of goals to achieve, so far it only had three things on it...
-Knife Combat Training With Kev
-Chasm Fear Conditioning
-Tattoo
I'd asked Kali if she would go climbing with me again and she happily agreed. I loved climbing and I'll be damned if I let Thaddeus take that from me. As usual, I was the last to be called into the room but it didn't bother me if anything I was thankful no one was waiting on me. I walked in this time I'd had the chance to mentally prepare myself and I walked blank-faced to the chair, perching on the edge. Eric came over and raised a single eyebrow in question. I narrowed mine in response, I knew my fear was irrational, didn't make me any more inclined to lie back. He accepted it and cupped my jaw with one hand and tilted my head for the antiseptic wipe. His eyes stayed watching what he was doing and mine were focused on the wall. I'd tried to think what my next fear might be but it was difficult. All the ones I knew were things I was terrified of, I hadn't realised I'd had a fear of being buried alive, so I figured it would be a fun surprise. Eric reached back, still gripping my jaw, which I became thankful for when my immediate reaction to catching sight of the needle was to flinch. He'd clearly predicted that and undeterred plunged it into my neck, once again he waited until the serum took effect, catching me as I fell. I gasped as my vision allowed me to see where I was and immediately I regretted it. I was clinging to the edge of the railing of a very tall building. I looked below and showed the streets far below. Not good. Not good. I scrambled desperately with my feet trying to find some part of the smooth concrete to help take the strain from my arms. Unfortunately, the twisting of my hips caused my fingers to shift and I froze. Okay. I took a moment trysting my grip to hold me a moment longer and I just breathed. My heart rate slowed and I knew I was ready to think clearly. I prepared to engage my arm muscles and attempt a pull up when my vision blurred. The same nauseating feeling returned when I saw the stone ceiling and I once again scrambled to have my back in the corner of the room, "Oh man. I do not like that at all."
Eric chuckled, "Most the initiates tend to give themselves a moment to adjust before moving."
I gave a fake laugh "Good for them." Another thought occurred to me "Hey, I didn't actually succeed in getting out of that situation."
Four nodded "Yes, but you calmed your heart rate."
Eric took a step close to me, "The test is about controlling your fears, not about how many they are or getting out of the situation if you can calm yourself enough to continue in a real situation, that's what we look for." Good to know. He reached out a hand to pull me from my crouched position and guided me to the door with a hand on my back. He didn't say anything else pulling open the door but gave a nod as I walked off. Strange. It did cross my mind that the instructors seem to be overall nicer after the first stage, I figured because they needed to scare us in preparation during physical, but now we were working every day to overcome our fears they were being the safety net Dauntless would be once we became full members. I didn't go down to the mess hall to find my friends, I often wondered and did my own things I knew they wouldn't be worried about it. Instead, already on edge, I decided to get my tattoos. I walked the path to the parlor and stood outside the door, taking an unnecessary breath. I stepped through the arch. The actual atmosphere of the place was very Dauntless, and I loved it. Neon coloured lights came from different locations, and several tablets lay on short rock columns. I approached one and swiped through it. It gave several options, and they all looked It was pretty cool, but I knew what I wanted. It was a little more personal. A deep chuckle behind me hands me whirling around to face a very familiar leader. "I hadn't thought to find you here, Persie ." He said my name in such a way I almost forgot he was talking to me.
"Huh, oh yeah. Well, I want a tattoo, and I'm not about to let some stupid fear stop me." I ended it in a nervous laugh. His presence was always intimidating, but alone with him so close, it was significantly more so.He leaned closer, following my half step back to breathe a growl in my ear. "Good girl." My heart skipped a beat. He pulled back with only a slight smirk on his lips and stepped past me to walk through one of the doors, it closed shut after him and I glared down at my knees which were suddenly feeling very unsupportive. Oh, that is so something I'm going to have to think about later. For now, I walked up to the stone slab that served as a desk and pushed the buzzer, a blue-haired man appeared moments later. "Hello love, how can I help?"
"I'd like to get two tattoos, please."
He smiled, gesturing to a door behind him. "Alrighty, right through here. I'm Harry, by the way"
"Persie," I responded absentmindedly after following him in and taking and seeing the horizontal seat. I was fiiiine. My mind helpfully played Eric's passing words, ' Good girl .' Yeah. Okay, I could totally do this. Pulling on the emotions I knew I would feel after getting the tattoo, I let the smile grace my face, and I perched on the chair. Harry rummaged around and pulled up a sketch pad and seat before addressing me again.
"First where would you like that, and secondly, what would you like?"
"Ah, the first one's pretty simple, just three lines wrapping around my left arm, just below the elbow-" He noted it down and looked to me to continue, "-And the second ones a little complicated..."
"He smiled, don't worry I'll sketch it before putting it on your body."I laughed, relaxing a little more, a skeleton on my right shoulder holding another skeleton as though dangling into the crook of my elbow."
"Interesting, do you want the skeleton to have any facial characteristics? Did you base it on anyone?"
I pursed my lips, "My father."
He hesitated before deciding to just ask, "Is he dead?"
"To me." was all I responded with.
He raised an eyebrow, "You sure you want him on your body then hun?"
I nodded. I was definitely sure. Of all the fears I had tried to write down on my list, there was always one that I knew for certain, one I knew would stay with me forever. The second stage of initiation had really tested my resolve, and it had only been three days, which had been the thought process that brought me to the parlor today. I was afraid of things, everyone was, they were a part of me, my father, the skull in the moon cave, which I knew would make an appearance in my fears eventually, needles and now heights. While I knew I could overcome some, it was a monument to my journey, and I wanted all of them, no matter how temporary, to become a permanent fixture on me. I would illustrate my journey through life, and through Dauntless, it was important for me to remember my fears were a part of me, but they did not and never would define me. "I'm very sure."
"Alright give me a few minutes to sketch-"
I interrupted him "-Um first you might want to see my arms, I have a few scars." He nodded at me, and I shrugged off my shirt and peeled back the bandages, still not having found an alternative. He gave a low whistle at the sight of my mutilated flesh, and I grinned, "Nasty right?"
He nodded gently, grabbing my right arm to turn it over, "I can work the bottom of the skeleton that's hanging into the top of the scars if you'd like?"
"Yes please, but I'm not trying to mask them. Just integrate them into the picture." They were as much a part of my journey as the ink would be. He pulled back and began to sketch, handing me a tablet to find a picture of the three lines I wanted on the other arm. Once he was finished, I showed him my picture, and he held up a beautiful drawing, I loved it,
he'd made the skeletons in a very sketchy-style of drawing with purposeful lines coming off. It would look good merging into the scarred flesh of my arms. "Awesome."
He put it aside and brought over a tray containing a few pointed objects that I decided not to look at. Thankfully, I didn't have to lie completely down, I sat rigidly on the seat but made sure I shuffled all the way back. That was fine, I was good. Harry had given my uncomfortable looking position a raised eyebrow but didn't comment. I very much wanted to close my eyes as he brought the needle close to my skin, but instead, I just averted them, something about the young leader being in the parlor had made that feeling of wanting to impress ever-present, even when he wasn't. How annoying. The pain of the tattoo was a welcome distraction from the growing feeling of being sick, and I was able to make it through a few hours of the buzzing. Eventually, someone was along the way my shoulders had dropped and I'd slumped back in the chair, I was incredibly tense when I felt the back of the seat, but after nothing else changed, I felt my breath even out.By the time Harry had moved on to ink my other arm, I was feeling a rush hit my brain, endorphins running wild. I had planned to make a stop at one of the clothing shops to pick up something to cover my arms, and then I would go crash dinner, seeing as it was likely around that time by now.
"All done." Not wasting a second. I jumped off the chair and gave Harry a grin, dashing over to the mirror to examine my arms. They were awesome. The right arm definitely looked cooler, but my left had significant meaning. Also, each line represented three defining people in my life: first, my father, then Eric, then Thaddeus. I was extremely grateful for all three of them, as they had all, whether they knew it or not, been motivation for me to make it in Dauntless. My father had started my journey, Eric, that day on the roof had dared me to continue it, and Thadeuus had forced me to own it. I smirked at my reflection, I'd managed to deal with one of my fears to get the moments tattooed into my skin, I wasn't just going to pass initiation, I was going to win it. After transferring over the points and thanking Harry profusely, I left to head to my next destination. The shop I entered had many articles of clothing, but I had a specific thing in mind. I found a pair of leather fingerless gloves only connection between the thumb, making them look remarkably like detached sleeves, they were long and stopped just under my armpits, allowing my shoulders to be visible with the black vest-like top I wore. Perfect. I pulled them on quickly and examined myself in the mirror. You could see the top part of my tattoo on the right arm, the skeleton representing my father gripping the hands of another, which disappeared beneath the material. It looked cool and served to hide the scars from view, I wasn't ready yet to show them, It more having to do with my own shame that came with them rather than anything else now. Despite seeing the marks as a part of my journey, they were still a hitch in the road, I hadn't defended myself well enough, and they were evidence of it. So, for now, I kept them covered. I bought the gloves and headed to the mess hall, seeing a spot open beside Archie and Brad and slipped into it, bringing a halt to the conversation as they all noticed the new black lines on my skin. I broke the silence with a wink to Cassius, "Sorry darling, but be prepared to accept second place, I'm winning this fucking thing now." I couldn't help the Cheshire grin that stretched my face, I truly felt on top of the world.Cassius let out a bark-like laugh, his own delight at my achievement shining through, "Well Persie, as much as I hate to break it to you, you're gonna have to get over a few more fears to beat me." Kali jumped the table nearly hitting Brad in the face so she could examine it closer and I let out the laugh at his offended expression. I hadn't actually seen the scoreboard since the cut but I knew I'd look at it tomorrow, for now, I just focused on enjoying the playful banter. Tomorrow I would commit to the words I was arrogantly claiming.
