2011

CHAPTER 21

TAZ POV

Weeks passed like years. Days like weeks and so it went on. I got better and better jobs. I wrote better and better myself and became better known in that respect. I should actually be super happy, I was super successful. But there was one thing missing from my happiness and that was Mimi. She was what always made me perfect. What simply made me happy. Regardless of whether we had a lot or a little. As long as she was there, I was always fine. I was always happy. She was the one person in my life who gave me what no money in the World could give me. Happiness. She loved me for who I am. I had just auditioned for a new role. It was a Netflix production. I knew the Series that they wanted to film as a real live adaptation series and had decided to Audition for it. I had a good feeling, the feeling that this Role could change everything in my life. I don't know why it was like that but this feeling didn't leave me. A few weeks later I was accepted and I was looking forward to being a part of the Main cast. So I will play Sanji for an unknown time. That meant training for me from now on. Lots and lots of training. I started with mixed martial arts and continued with different ones. Sanji only fought with his feet and so I had to learn a lot. Training. I did that for 8 - 10 hours a day. Then I started learning to cook. Professionally. With the Best Chefs. I now also took cookery lessons when I wasn't training. This went on for eight months, then I started travelling to South Africa. That's where the Filming would take place. That's where I first got to know the others. I kept inviting them to my place to show them my cookery skills. Sometimes it went better, sometimes less, but I got better and better. In South Africa I also learnt from a star Chef who taught me lots of tricks. But I continued to train a lot. Here with the stunt team. We practised a lot of what I needed to be able to do in advance. It was a lot, but it was exactly what I needed. It helped me. She only came to me in my dreams. We did a lot of PR and my friends told me that I was called Sanji Eminem on the internet, which I thought was kind of funny. We did a lot of interviews and some photo shoots. In all that time we became a little family and it was great that I wasn't the only one who spoke Spanish. Inaki who will play Luffy also spoke Spanish as he came from Mexico. It was nice to always have so much to do. I just didn't have time to think about her. The others realised that I didn't want to talk about the Ring on my neck, even though I kept playing with it, and they accepted it. They knew when I was ready I knew they were there for me. It really was like a second family and I felt safe. I just never knew whether I should be happy or dread slipping back into sleep. When she was back in my dreams. When I saw her again, happy next to me. When I woke up again with the knowledge that it was all just a dream. Sometimes on the hard days, when I was feeling bad because I had overextended myself with everything, the Training, the Cooking and just doing it for too long, it was almost relaxing to see her and hear her tell me that she was proud of me. But then those days when I knew I'd wake up knowing she wouldn't be there, that I'd just let her go, I'd want to pull an all-nighter. Never go to sleep again. I often sit in bed for hours and don't know what to do. I stare at the wall and sometimes those tears come up again because I still miss her so much. I sit there and just scream. Because I don't know how she is or where she is. Does she miss me too, or has she already forgotten me?  Just the thought of it hurts. I never could. I have tried. Often, but I could never forget her. I loved her too much for that. She is and remains the love of my life. It will stay that way forever. Even if it sounds crazy and I know that, I just can't change it. The heart wants what the heart wants and we can't influence it. I have tried to get to know other women. I have. I tried to forget her. But nothing has worked. I can only slowly look in the Mirror again now, but even there I only see the Tarek who just let the love of his life go. I could have gone to the Airport. I had the time. I could have told her that I was going with her and that I could certainly get the chance in the USA, but instead I just sat on the couch, crying, and accepted it. Accepted that she was leaving. Without doing anything about it. Without even trying to find her a few days later and fight for our love. No. I just accepted it. Drowning in my Tears. That's why I can still hardly look in the Mirror. Because all I see there is a failure. A heap of misery. Not anymore. My change has helped that I can slowly bear to look at myself again, but not much has changed about my self-image. Because it was me who let her go. I think she was standing there at the Airport hoping that I would still come. That's why she told me the time of the flight. She knew I would find the letter soon enough. But unfortunately all this came too late for me. I still hoped that we would find each other again. That we were really meant for each other. I believe that. I woke up every morning, drank my coffee and missed her. Then I would go for a long jog to clear my head. No one see's that Taz. They only see the Happy Taz. Of course they see that sometimes i have a bad day but they never no why. They don't see me staying up late. They don't know how I think about myself. I'm just the one who makes everyone laugh. I'm the funny one. The one who loves Adventures. The one who loves to try new things. That's what they know. But I'm also the Broken one. The one who plays two sides perfectly fine because he does that for a long time now. And it's okay. I'm fine with it. It's me now.