Despair Diaries

1| Nihilism

Nihilism X Matrix guy

Note to the reader I will use N for Nihilist and M for matrix guy.
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Matrix: Dude where are you? Let's hang up.

Nihilist: I was here! Stuck. Where can a person go anyway.

M: Come on. All of us are meeting today. You should come too.

N: For what? I do not like answering people. After every hi they ask questions. I do not like to sit in the hot seat.

M: I will ask them to not ask.

N: Then what will be left?

M: We will talk about fun school times. Come on.

N: So past can torment me later? Every good and bad thing after it's gone becomes a sad thing.

M: Come on. Everyone goes through bad times. You will get through it.

N: Every intellectual knows that bad times never leave. No matter how high you can go there will be still sharp threads of lows that will always be tangled to you. A man can never be fully satisfied.

M: Everything will be okay!

N: I do not want it to be okay. To be good or to be bad. I just want it to stop, to pause.

M: Why are you in so much despair?

N: I am not in despair. I am just waiting. You only wait when you believe that it will be over so how can I be in despair?

M: Look I am not deep like you and I do not understand most of the things you said. But I want you to be happy dude.

N: What do you think is happiness?

M: Like when you feel good, when you smile, when you are having fun, when you get something.

N: There is actually nothing like happiness. According to science it's just hormones release reacting to different circumstances.

M: Will not this mean sadness is just hormonal too?

N: It is. But majority wins and my majority lies with the sad hormones. Originally I am not sad I am just exhausted and tired with the complete meaninglessness of life.

M: You should visit a psychiatrist.

N:I have been to a lot in my teens. I know all my issues, traumas and origins. They can offer me nothing but false hopes. That I will not like.

M: Look man! You will get everything one day. Bright up.

N: You know there is a time in life when a person waits. I waited and waited but nothing happened then I stopped waiting later I got agitated and now it's so late that it means nothing to me anymore.

M: Come on! Everybody has desires and dreams.

N: There was a part of my life where I was pushed in a grave and everybody started throwing dust at me slowly burying me. Until the point where only my eyes were free. I was feet underground. They buried me alive. I heard their footsteps returning. Nobody was there after that and even now I am just lying there waiting for actual death to come.