Despair Diaries

2| PAUSE

People say time never stops. But mine did and it is not passing for years now while everyone's time was pacing taking them ahead way ahead of me while I stood on the starting point waiting for it to pass. I wonder if someday someone will ask me how I spent my life I would say I spent my whole life being patient and in wait.

My time stopped everything stopped with it and I see them going on, doing the riddles of life its stages and its passages. While I had nothing to do. I sat idly like a spectator seeing them which did not involved me. I watched their highs and lows while mine stayed like a straight line.

Days became week and weeks became months and months became years but my agony still didn't end. The wait is still not over and I am hardly hanging by the string of patience and silence. I have no sense of time anymore. What day it is? What time it is? Which month and which year? It doesn't matter. The only good time is when I fall asleep but some times even it gets polluted with nightmares and bad dreams.

With no sense of time I live in a toxic home whose each corner consists memories of my past traumas and regrets and it never stops reminding me all that. I try to ignore it and I stay confine in a room. Routine is as similar to quarantine routine. I confine myself in loneliness and silence and I hide from people.

I wonder after every hi in a conversation we ask each other how do you do? But I am doing nothing. I spend hours in memory lane and I list all the flaws in them. How I even had so many flaws then also. When I see them moving along I stop myself from going to the jealousy shop and I prostrate and join my hands to the deity and beg him to make me move, play it unpause it.

When my eyes open each day I wonder what to do to pass another day? What meaningless thing should I do today to kill time? Then I decide to binge watch anything but they have significance as well they must not remind me of anyone,anything that may traumatise me they should be just boring and time consuming just enough so I can bare them. But I have even watched everything now.

With my closet empty of clothes, my phone that never rings even if it does I never respond, my empty schedule, my shallow mind and void that slowly eats my heart. I look like a beggar and I reek. I no longer wish for good things or am scared of bad things I just want to get rid of the agony. I just want my time to pause.

I have forgotten how to speak as I stay with silence most of the time. We spend days together will I place duct tape on my mouth. I have forgotten people they are all distant memories and dreams and I avoid there thoughts. For me it's now hard to believe that someone might care for me or something as I find it hard to believe on people and their emotions.

Another hobby I have nowadays is hating my identity and hiding my identity denying my existence. As I spend days in dirt and without looking at myself. I hate this bastard and useless self of me. How hypocrite of me to believe them every time when they say a negative and never trusting them even when they shout their heart out with positives. As I believe every negative is truth and every positive is a lie.

I am aging rapidly my youth is on last stage of cancer and my body is losing its strength. I reek of misogyny and I pollute every memory and every conversation. How hard it can be sometimes to just breathe.

When the ghosts of pain stab me with rage guns, agony bullets, depression knives and tie me down with sorrow tapes and leave my mouth open wondering if I will shout. But I have lost somewhere my power to speak and I take a deep sigh.

Nothing is a constant everything changes but sometimes change happens after so long that it is just too late. I wonder if it will be too late. Sometimes I dream of someone caressing me and I search for the feeling of it when I wake up. I have never let anyone touch me even a handshake is a rare thing but nowadays I crave for it and I still hate the touch how weird is not it?

Pardon I am just losing my mind, my plot, my people, my things and myself. There is no me in me anymore. There is just nothing. How can I walk around acting like a living person? And they do not even detect it. If the vitals are working and a person is breathing can we conclude that he is alive? Maybe yes then maybe I am alive.

Life is a meaningless drag and I am a spectator but it torments me now so now I want to go to the stage and play a role in a meaningless plot that means nothing and get criticised and complimented for it.

I often wonder if I am a good person? Maybe not. To further research on it I check in the details and I find no grave sins and crimes its clear better than most of the people and still my gut declines all the evidences and it vouch for me being a worst person. I reject myself before anyone can reject me. I claim all the bad things before someone can pinpoint me.

I have forgotten the taste of happiness I wonder when we last met and if it was actually with me completely when we met? Can I sleep through time? Just until it starts moving again? Just until I can get indulged in meaningless plots and stuff and people again?