aab e hayat ( English version)

chapter no 17

If Salar couldn't understand her fluctuating moods, she couldn't understand herself either. She would spend the whole day feeling down while thinking about him, and she'd argue with him for no reason when they talked.

 She would get intensely angry with him, and why, she couldn't grasp. After so many years, she was suffering from such prolonged depression, and for the first time in three weeks, she hadn't even completed a single novel, let alone work on her painting. She would sit all day with the TV on, waiting for his call, or with the computer on, reading old emails and waiting for a new one. She would read and reread his brief emails, where he would ask about her well-being and update her on his activities. 

She would spend the whole night writing a long reply and rearranging her things or watching Charlize Theron movies from her collection. It was a level of helplessness that she had even stopped enjoying actresses she once liked, who she didn't want to see in front of Salar. Every day at the dinner table, she would set his place, as if trying to ward off her loneliness at the table. At night, when lying in bed, she would, after turning off the light, stare at the side of the bed and the headrest for a long time.

 Even after turning off the light, she would talk to him for a while before going to sleep, and now this silence was deeply unsettling her.

By the time of Eid, the silence and loneliness at home had completely overwhelmed her. Even after returning from Islamabad, she didn't feel any better. Only Amaar and Yusra from Salar's family were present for Eid, while the rest were abroad. There was no festive cheer like the previous Eid. Salar had asked Tayyaba to do Eid shopping for her. 

She had gone with them with a heavy heart, but this time, there was no excitement for clothes as there had been the previous Eid. It was the first time in Islamabad that she hadn't waited by the guest room window to catch a glimpse of any of her family members. On Eid morning, as usual, she woke up to Salar's call. He had arrived at the hotel a short while ago after finishing his session in Montreal.

"What clothes are you wearing today?" he asked her after giving his congratulations. "What's the use of telling you?" she replied, shifting her back against the bed's headrest. "I'm trying to imagine how you must look."

"You've never really paid attention to my clothes in front of you. Now what will you imagine from there?"

"Imama, at least today let's not argue," Salar said, as if declaring a truce. "What do you want today? I've already asked Mummy to get flowers and a cake for you. Is there anything else you need?"

"No. I'm very upset. Don't you miss me?" Salar joked, but as soon as he touched on her sore spot, tears welled up in her eyes. She tried to wipe them away with her sleeve. He was talking without paying attention to her silence. Eid had already passed in Canada, and he had continued attending the conference even on Eid day. He had spent many Eids like this. The previous Eid couldn't be remembered due to his busyness, but this Eid was haunting Imama for the past two days.

"When is your flight?" He tried to keep his voice steady, which was a foolish thing; crying over other things was fine. But at least she couldn't cry in front of him for not being there. She would have felt great embarrassment if he knew that...

He was now telling her about the flight. "You didn't tell me the color of your clothes?" Salar suddenly remembered.

"Did you buy the clothes with Mummy?"

"Yes, I did. The one I'll wear today is Hazel Green."

"Hazel Green?" He was caught off guard. "That's a color for eyes. It's the color of eyes..."

As usual, he made a joke. "Ohh. Today, I'll closely observe Jennifer's eyes at dinner," he mentioned a colleague's name.

"Why?"