Hiraeth

Untitled Part 19

You promised. You promised you'd make it, promised you'd be back.
But you aren't, are you?
Oh well it's been a lovely daily question for me to ask myself where you are now, doing what, knowing who
Wondering if you still ever fucking remember me at all.

I used to love you from the bottom of my heart and oh, I only realized how foolish I was.
I hate you, I hate you more than I can put into words because you're the reason I believed loving me was possible, you're the one who unconditionally loved me that I felt actually lovable.

Well, now I ask myself if that was really ever the case, because I can't see anyone being able to do as much as you did and I can't settle for the life of me for any less, thanks to you.

Two heartbreaks, today is a third. I'm but a piece of garbage that you gave a medal, and I thought highly of myself afterward.

I don't blame myself for still loving you despite all, after all, anyone who sought validation and care in someone and kept their side for 5 and more years would be attached and whatever they learned would be engraved in stone.

But watch me painfully dripping water over my stone until it's rewritten, and I reteach myself the truth that I'm in fact nothing but insufferable.

Maybe that's why you lied and hid the truth from me, maybe that's why you've gone and never came back.

Here I am, watching as a whole year of your absence is folded, and I'm fumbling for I'm never getting what you gave me ever again, and always searching for it in vain.
I'm never going to feel that much loved ever again because it was all a lie, a perfect theater, and I'm going to forever keep searching and counting heartbreaks, with yours being an always +1 to my list.

I hope you're enjoying whatever life you left me for, or that I won't meet you on the other side if you're dead.