i'm sure (i hope) i'll find you soon. i wanted you to know, the only reason i'm so confident that you exist is because a stranger psychic old lady told me i would meet you one day. just randomly in a chili's when i was 18. crazy and delusional, i know. she told me i need to stop settling for fake love and wait for the real deal. now that i'm older (22) what she told me that day makes a lot more sense, but i was only a teen at the time. i forgive myself for not knowing better.
i think it's pretty normal for people to settle in love at first. maybe out of fear or for comfort. you don't really know what you want until you know what you don't want first, right? i've seen it happen so many times, so i know i'm not alone in my experience.
i don't want you to meet me and think i'm some crazy nun or something. i've met people and dated around since this so called "psychic woman" told me i'd meet the love of my life in Texas, and to stay put. but nobody is interesting, either that or they are only interested in one thing. and i'm so exhausted of that now. i want romance and love that is so deep rooted, it can't be swayed by the angriest of winds. i guess this is dating to marry? but i'm not really dating anyone. sort of just waiting for my dream boy to fall out of the sky onto my front porch. nonetheless, i've thought about you and prayed for you since that day. sometimes obsessively. my dad taught me that it's good to pray in advance for your loved ones (future spouses, unborn children, generations yet to come) so they are born blessed and protected. it's 6am i'm just rambling, but i pray over our connection years in advance and miles before we meet so that nothing can ever tear us apart when we finally find each other. i hope that when you see me, you know that it's me, your lover. :) your good girl. but i know the world doesn't work that way. i just hope the Lord doesn't abandon me in my faith when it comes to this connection. i know my God is a good God, and that love is real.
i wrote this song for when i find you. maybe i'll be brave enough to finally sing it one day. i don't know you yet, so these are just made up scenarios in my brain of course, but when i do know you i can always change the words to those more fitting and appropriate. i hope you like it. it's called "us" and it's about us.
i'll be your dream i'll be your wish i'll be your fantasy
i'll be the one you think about before you go to sleep
love you the most i'll give you whatever you need from me
i've longed and hoped for you what makes you think i'd ever leave
i know you know i've got some problems to sort out or so
you know i know that you could say the same thing bout yourself
the way you see right through my spirit means the most to me
need you like oxygen, breathe in, dive deep, take hold of me
and when it's hard don't fall apart i'll keep you close to me
(chorus)
just listen up boy. i'll never get enough boy
my favorite flavor. sent down by our creator.
they think i'm love sick but i know that you're perfect.
you've seen my worst moods, my meltdowns and my attitude. smell like my perfume. and you've touched every tattoo.
there's something pretty about the way you say my full name
it's like my favorite song say it over, over, over again
there's so much beauty in the way you laugh and cry to me
like every piece of you makes up what God sent down for me
when i'd originally wrote it, the words were a lot more toxic and negative until i decided to change them to something that resembles the love i really want. like "there's something loving in the way you scream and shout at me, cause i still love you when you take your anger out on me" for instance, i wrote that referencing my daddy issues, and how i used to let guys treat me any kind of way. i decided to stop glamorizing the type of relationship i'm used to and wait for something softer, for the sake of my spirit. she needs a rest.
sometimes all i think about is what it would be like to be in love with someone who really knows me and loves me back the same way. and to be safe with someone. i miss you and i haven't even met you yet. sometimes i'm terrified that this is all in my imagination, but the woman i told you about, a lot of the other stuff she said would happen was true. so i can only hope this part is too. it would mean the most to me, without a doubt.
signing off. love you in advance.
- jenurah grace
