"you're all i want, so much it's hurting."
i need you here with me right now. i feel like i'm going crazy. i'm crying in my car i feel overwhelmed and mildly suicidal. i want the noise to stop.
i'm afraid you don't exist.
and i've spent the past few years in a waiting room with no appointment. i'd be so disappointed. i can't find you in anyone. i hope that you exist.
he's tall and he's kind hearted and he cares about people, he likes to ask questions and know more, or as much as he can, at least, just like me. he's strong and wise and protective. he's reasonable with himself and others. he considers the feelings of others and he's in touch with his own. he's funny and smart and handsome. he respects me and respects himself and respects our partnership. he pays attention to little details. i hope he talks a lot.
i just want someone who cares and loves as much as i do, without dropping any hints or asking or anything. i can't believe it's so hard to find a guy like you, so when i do find you, just know im going to do everything i can to make sure i never lose you.
it's becoming a lot easier to reject what doesn't fit the standards i've set for my ideal partner. i used to settle for anything because i hated being lonely. but i like to be alone now. some days i just wish the internal noise would stop. some days its consuming. and obnoxious.
i'm listening to a song called "krystal" right now. i'll play it for you when we meet. i want it to play at our wedding. i used to see it as a sad song, but when you really listen to the words it's just a young man expressing his undying love for the most beautiful woman he's ever seen, confessing no love he's had before could ever match or compare to what he has with krystal.
i want to be your krystal. or you can be my krystal.
idk i'm sort of drunk right now.
i'm really sad and i wish i could talk to you.
i wonder if you'd be okay with me being clingy and wanting to see you all the time.
i recently stopped talking to a good friend of mine that i've known for about 11 years. it was rough but i'm getting through it. i'm happy she finally found someone to treat her the way she deserves to be treated. but i have to admit i do feel forgotten about and left behind.
i know that love can do that to people sometimes, but i'd rather be totally consumed by and occupied with love than agony and self hatred. i think anyone would. the truth is, i just want to hold you. i want to stare into your eyes and tell you that i love you. how happy i am that you're finally here. i wonder if you look for me the way i look and hope for you. i often feel delusional, and like nobody gets me. but honestly i feel like no one really tries to. no one puts in the time to. that's another thing i really want in a partner, for him to make time for me. my love language is definitely quality time. i enjoy the intimacy of getting to know someone for everything they are. i believe each person you meet is a new experience. i try to be a good experience.
something i realized today is the thrill and adrenaline you get from someone you care for yelling at you, i confuse it with passion.
i was taught as a young age that loving is fighting or there's no love at all. and i have very big emotions.
what made me realize that is a guy i was dating this week got pretty upset when i told him we should stay friends. it mentally put me in a place where i felt like i was responsible for fixing his mood, because i caused the bad feelings, and i can't move on or let go until he's not mad at me anymore. which i realized i've been doing pretty much my whole life, which i then realized is pretty fucking exhausting.
i feel like i feel other peoples emotions and my own, and it's so draining. i can't explain it.
i wish i could see you. i miss you and i haven't met you yet baby. where are you? i want to write you songs. and shower with you and brush your hair and hold your hands and pray with you and kiss your cheeks and make you laugh and slow dance and tell you my favorite memories and show you my favorite movies and sing you my favorite songs and open up to you in a way i've never let anyone else see. and i want to cuddle and tell you i love you. i wish we could talk. i have so much to tell you when we do meet. i'll probably never run out of things to talk about. that's how i'll know it's you.
i'm insanely optimistic. i genuinely think i'm going insane.
i'll try not to make it hard on you as we get to know each other. i'm sure you have no intentions to hurt me, but i've been hurt very badly in the past. i'm used to being rejected and having my flaws pointed out. but i'm learning to accept myself and love myself the way i am. i believe that i deserve it, and you do too. where are you???
i feel like my life won't start without you.
ugh i can't explain it.
okay i'm crying again. i feel lonely.
i can't wait to read these to you and laugh about how crazy i am.
only crazy for u <3
goodnight baby. i love you. see you someday.
xoxojen
